"My weight is nobody's business but mine," huffed the lobster, in an interview with a reporter from The Spoof. The lobster continued, "It's an outrage. How would you like it if YOUR weight were the subject of discussion the world over?"
And he's appalled at all the fat shaming on social media since he's been caught and brought onto land, "Why can't people just mind their own business?" he asked. "Don't they have better things to do than bully others about their weight?" Defending himself, he declared: "Besides, I'm not fat, I'm just pleasantly plump."
Offered a contract to be the first spokes-crustacean for Weight Watchers, the lobster declined in no uncertain terms. "Have better things to do than watch my weight," he announced, adding, "I'll leave that to folks like Oprah."
Shortly before being unceremoniously dumped back into the ocean, the lobster shouted, "I'm outta here." He did resurface a moment later to announce, "Boy, it feels great to be back home! Glug, glug, glug..."