Dr. Ralph Suderman, dean of studies at Admiral university's school of Anal Research has been following a group of 20 men and women who suffer from the same mysterious and socially paralyzing ailment. These people from all over the world and all walks of life have what doctor Suderman has named ISBD, or Infinite Silent But Deadly syndrome.
"24, 7, 365, these subjects are trickling a low pressure stream of subtle but noxious gas from their anus" Doctor Sudermen said. "making them unable to stay in one spot for very long without disturbing the people around them."
"That's why I started long distance running" said subject Anton Gutz of Freemont California "as long as I'm out there on the road moving forward I am moving away from …well I'm putting distance between me and my problem"
"I haven't left house in 19 years" said Lorraine Melon of London "and believe me it stinks in here"
"I'm an elevator operator" grinned Pablo Sanchez from the Bronx "so you can imagine the looks I get all the time. I have developed an offensive defense to deflect attention. If only one person is on the elevator I blame it on the guy who just got off, but when there are multiple occupants I have perfected my raised eyebrow look and shocked face to convince everyone that it could not possibly be me. My eyes then search for the guilty party until they rest on some portly or slovenly occupant. At that point the chosen victim usually says something like 'hey, I didn't fart' and then of course I say 'whoever dealt it smelt it' which usually results in a murmur of agreement among the passengers"
Anal researchers have concluded that there is one common variable among the subjects. "They each consume" Dr. Sudermen explained "between 2 and a half to 3 pounds of Provolone cheese a week."
He explained that the molecular makeup of a block of Provolone cheese is one nervous electron away from being a deadly methane explosion and" Dr. Sudermen went on to explain "I give credit to evolution's amazing work with the anus to provide a release valve for the large quantities of methane built up in consumers of provolone."
Serendipitously, Dr. Sudermen has found that most cases of Internal Combustion may be linked to even larger amounts of digesting Provolone which the anus simply could not handle.
19 of the subjects have quit eating Provolone and report remarkable results.
"I no longer feel the need to run" said Mr. Gutz "sure I miss Provolone but I'm developing a taste for Wisconsin cheddar"
"when I showed up at the market" said Miss Melon "old friends said 'you shouldn't be here, Lorraine' but I shouted out joyously I'm fart free, do you hear me I am fart free!"
Only one subject has not changed his eating habits and continues to suffer from ISBD.
"give up Provolone" said Mr. Sanchez during a phone interview "not likely"
The department store which employs Mr. Sanchez attempted to fire him on several occasions after customers and co-workers complained but he has sued successfully to continue to work under the Hire the Handicap quota. "To tell you the truth, I kind of like the situation I'm in, it is fun when everyone on the elevator blames the wrong guy"
"I respect Pablo's choice" said Dr. Suderman" "in some ways I find it honorable that he chose to remain this ironic figure of a fart cutting elevator operator, and then again that is easy for me to say, I will never shop at that store"