August is full of important events such as the summer Olympics, presidential campaign rallies, and for some, the first day of school. However, the most significant day of the month is August 21st. August 21st marks National Brazilian Blowout Day. This is the process where a highly trained hairstylist applies potentially hazardous chemicals to your curly tresses taking them from frizz to fab. This also marks the day you are scheduled to have your next appointment with Dakota (if that is her real name).
When you met Dakota four years ago, your relationship was fresh, exciting, and full of promise. You found her demeanor, conversation, and styling techniques intriguing with an alluring edge. She even had tattoos with deeply rooted Buddhist undertones. You felt Dakota was the one who would take your appearance to the next level.
Everything was going along fine, until that fateful day last September when you showed her the US Weekly picture of Jennifer Lawrence with a cropped pixie cut. You asked her to recreate the masterpiece. Dakota was confident she could pull it off. Going from long to short, brown to blonde, and curly to straight was a rogue move.
After bleaching, cutting, and potentially toxic exposure to the Brazilian Blowout formaldehyde, you were ready to see a new sleek woman in the mirror. Instead of J. Law staring back at you, you were looking at the Jon & Kate Plus 8 version of Kate Gossling. How could Dakota let this happen?
Subsequent visits were not any better. In April, Dakota ended up getting the barrel-brush tangled in your hair and had to cut it out. In June you suffered second-degree burns to your scalp when she was talking on her cell phone while blow-drying your hair.
Things were going downhill fast. The circle of trust had been broken. It is time for you to break-up with Dakota, but how?
Option 1: Bust A Move (To Another Country)
This may be a good time in your life to make a change, so why not become an expat? At this point, your hair looks like Keith Urban's, your self-esteem is in the toilet, and you do not have the courage to tell Dakota she is ruining your life. Maybe it would be best to get out of the U.S. and explore your options as an expatriate. Teach English in Cambodia, wait tables in Ibiza, or mine for diamonds in Africa. The possibilities are endless!
Option 2: Hit The Road Jack
Although you have not witnessed a crime qualifying you for the Federal Witness Relocation Program, I am sure when the U.S. Marshals see your heinous hair they will quickly accept you with open arms. What could be better than escaping Dakota, getting a new identity, and having the U.S. taxpayers flip the bill? Be aware, you may be placed in Anchorage at a salmon hatchery or be a dog food taster in Omaha. At least with both jobs you can wear a baseball cap and cover up that ugly hair of yours.
Option 3: Gender Bending
Bruce Jenner did it. Chastity Bono did it. A simple sex change operation can take you from miss to mister, with minimal downtime. Then, when you randomly run into Dakota at Starbucks or Soul Cycle, she will never recognize you with your new bits and pieces. Spare Dakota and yourself the awkwardness of splitting up and make a clean break from your sexuality.
Option 4: We Don't Need No Water Let The Motherf***** Burn
A humanitarian is someone who seeks to promote human welfare. What is more humanitarian than sparing others the horror of a bad haircut? So…why not burn down Dakota's salon of torture before your next appointment? She cannot work if her salon is no longer there. You would be like the Mother Teresa of the hairstyling world.
Option 5: Now You See Me, Now You Don't
Breaking-up with someone is a painful and uncomfortable process. Almost as painful as when someone close to you dies. Dakota will suffer regardless, so take the coward's way out and fake your death. Enlist a savvy friend to approach Dakota with the tragic news of your sudden passing. Tears will be shed, memories will be shared. However, if you do go this route, you will need to lay low. You cannot resurrect yourself on social media 24 hours later like Jesus.
If none of the above work, you could always tell Dakota the truth - you no longer like how she is styling your hair and this Brazilian Blowout business is for the birds. Honesty is the best policy. Or, you could just clone yourself. The GMO version of you can continue to see Dakota. There really is no need to hurt Dakota's feelings, right?
Stacey Zapalac (@smzapalac) is a humor writer who has studied improv, writing and satire at The Second City Training Center in Chicago.