New revelations from servants within North Korea who served the ruling Kim family, revealed that Kim Jong-Un, rotund dictator of North Korea, launches missiles whenever he is having a bad day. This magazine did an investigation.
1. Kim Jong-Un succeeds his dad as dictator in North Korea in December of 2011. Four months later in April, the North Koreans launch a satellite that veers off course. Investigative reporting reveals that on this day, Kim Jong-Un's favorite video game stops working in the middle of a game. Kim is furious and has a few people executed and orders his first satellite launch, in defiance of treaties.
2. Dec. 12, 2012-N. Korea launches another missile. Investigation reveals that Kim was pissed off about not getting the rock lobster he had requested for dinner that night.
3. March 21, 2013-N. Korea launches several short-range missiles. It was revealed that Kim had developed an intestinal disorder, caused by overeating. As the gas attack in Kim's intestines continued, more missiles were launched on March 26.
4. June 27, 2014-Kim doesn't like his depiction in a U.S. film, fires off a few more missiles.
5. Sept. 6, 2014-Kim wakes up with a cowlick in the back of his head he just can't get to go down. After having a few labor campers killed with assault weapons, he fired off some more missiles.
6. February 8, 2015-Kim wakes up with the worst hangover of his life, having consumed a case of expensive cognac the night before. Missiles fly.
7. December 21, 2015-The missiles are again launched as Kim's aunt reveals to him that the uncle he had killed was the one who had been leaving him presents all these years, so Santa won't be coming anymore.
8. Jan. 6, 2016-Right after hearing through the grapevine that Kim's intestinal disorder had returned, N. Korea has another launch. Officials know these attacks last awhile since Kim won't stop eating no matter what, so they brace themselves for more missile launches.
7. Feb. 7, 2016-Just as predicted, North Korea launches another missile.
The investigation has revealed that the predictions about the missile launches and Kim Jong-Un's moods are true. Foreign policy will be adjusted accordingly.