Written by Michael Balton

Monday, 7 December 2015

image for Introducing the Homeland Security Blanket -- An Open Letter by Pres. George W. Bush Another calming factor that I put in my life is thumb wrestling. I like to play with myself.

Houston, Texas -- When you think something, say something, my fellow Americans.  I'm thinking that the Federal Government should be handing out Homeland Security Blankets to every man, woman and child in America.  And I'm not afraid to say it. Here's why:

The nation is starting to panic. We recently lost our "home of the brave" status to Lithuania.

Wait, it gets worse. There were 5,672 "lone wolf" sightings reported last weekend, even though the term is just a metaphor concocted by some CIA operative after reading a bedtime story to his kid. "Abdul, what big teeth you have."

We need something to stifle that kind of statement, and I believe the answer is good old fashion security blankets, crafted in a durable 50-50 cotton/nylon blend. And I know where you can get them cheap.

But why stop there? Security blankets could have some practical uses in addition to their calming effects. They could be embedded with lead to prevent any radiation from getting under your skin, when a lone wolf gets his paws on an atomic suitcase.

Of course, you'll probably wind up dying of lead poisoning, but that's not nearly as dramatic and it takes a long time.

Security blankets could also cushion your fall when you have to duck and cover to dodge an explosive or projectile. That's a maneuver which might be necessary at any moment. Your security blanket makes the moment a luxurious one.

Best of all, the blankets could be accompanied by a how-to video featuring Linus, the security blanket specialist from the Peanuts cartoons. Everybody loves Linus, although he's leaning a little left for my liking.

Anyhoo, that's a big mission accomplished for me. It's your move, Charlie Brown.

Go Texans!

"W"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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