Written by Philip J. Moss

Sunday, 29 November 2015

Congratulations on the purchase of your earth-friendly StaGreen™ all electric snowblower! Assembly of your new StaGreen™ snowblower should take no more than thirty minutes, following these simple instructions.

WARNING!

Do not attempt to plug your StaGreen™ snowblower into a wall outlet inside your house: if the selector switch is in the ON position the blades may rotate and tear up your floor.

Always wear sturdy steel-capped boots when operating your StaGreen™ snowblower and be careful not to run over your own feet or the feet of anyone else.

Be sure never to operate your StaGreen™ snowblower when under the influence of alcohol, marijuana, oxycontin, methamphetamine or any combination of the foregoing.

If a squirrel becomes caught in the blades of your StaGreen™ snowblower do not attempt to free it with a metal or wood implement until you have moved the selector switch to OFF.

ASSEMBLY

1. Unpack your StaGreen™ snowblower and count the parts: there should be 37 of them. If there are not 37 parts look through the packaging carefully, as some of them may have become stuck in the styrofoam or packing tape.

2. Carefully align the holes in the top part of the frame (see "A" on Figure 1) with the holes in the bottom part of the frame ("B" on Figure 1) and thread the steel bolt ("C" on Figure 1) through them, while keeping the holes on the other side of the top part of the frame aligned with the holes on the other side of the bottom part of the frame. An extra pair of hands will be of use when attempting this. Don't forget to place the steel lock-washer on first. It is the shiny object about the size of your little fingernail ("D" on Figure 1). When you drop it on the ground and cannot find it even with the aid of a magnifying glass we recommend that you use a powerful magnet to locate it. Affix the locking nut ("E" on Figure 1) to the end of the bolt that protrudes through the other side of the frame and hand tighten it. Repeat this procedure on the other side of the frame using the other steel bolt, lock-washer and locking nut ("F, G and H" on Figure 2).

3. Align the holes on either side of the top part of the directional chute ("I and J" on Figure 3) with the holes on the bottom part of the directional chute ("K and L" on Figure 3). Now that you know how to do this, unthread the butterfly nuts ("M and N" on Figure 3) from the threaded bolts holding them in place in the holes on either side of the top part of the directional chute ("O and P" on Figure 3) and align the holes once more, then replace the bolts and re-attach the butterfly nuts, and hand tighten them. When you drop one of the bolts or one of the butterfly nuts and it falls into the hopper of the StaGreen™ snowblower hold the snowblower upside down and shake it. If the missing part does not immediately fall out give the undercarriage of the machine one or two firm slaps as if you were attempting the Heimlich maneuver on someone who had swallowed a hot dog. That should do it.

4. Remove the tiny nut ("Q" on Figure 4) holding the very thin rod ("R" on Figure 4) that runs through the very small holes on the back of the top part of the directional chute ("S, T, U and V" on Figure 4). Do not drop the tiny nut as it is painted black and will be very hard to see among the dead leaves and other detritus on the ground. Align the very small holes on the back of the top part of the directional chute with the slightly larger holes on the bottom part of the directional chute ("W, X, Y and Z" on Figure 4) and run the very thin rod through all the holes. Attach the tiny nut (if you still have it) to the end of the very thin rod and hand tighten it.

5. Free the pin ("AA" on Figure 5) that runs through the hole in the bottom part of the directional rod ("BB" on Figure 5) and align the hole with the one on the upper part of the directional rod. Using your third hand, run the pin through both holes and make sure it is securely in place.

Congratulations! Your StaGreen™ all electric snowblower is now ready to use! You will have the satisfaction of knowing that by purchasing and using your StaGreen™ all electric snowblower you are doing your part to save the environment. You should have 9 small parts left after assembling your StaGreen™ all electric snowblower. Don't worry about them: just keep them in a kitchen drawer. They may come in handy some day.

Copyright © 2015 Philip J. Moss - All rights reserved.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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