Written by Harry Klondike

Friday, 16 October 2015

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Bulging and bellicose, Masha Krause is a bit of a curiosity in the town of Statesville N.C. As an amateur bodybuilder she has made a lonely niche for herself among the more reserved and conventional residents. Last summer things got ugly for Masha as an ongoing feud she'd had with her neighbors reached it's tipping point.

It all started on the somber autumn day of October 14th last year. "Hog Slayer, my German Shepard had to be put down" she said in a thick accent; which is supposed to be German but it sounds like a poor impersonation of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Continuing with her deep voice "I was thinkin' how could I do this proper and clean to honor him. So I went to the grocery store and bought a dozen cans of whipped cream. I'd hold one nozzle in my mouth and let the nitrous fill my mouth like a balloon then quickly puff it into his snout. I guess I must have inhaled a little of the gas along the way because when it was over my dog was still alive and the neighbors dog was unresponsive. They look similar- they had a mutt or something. It was an honest mistake I just got confused.

The aggrieved neighbors Lynn and Charles Christie had a much different version of events. Lynn said, "First let me say she isn't German. Her birth name is Stacy Brien and she's from Rutherfordton (a rural county about 80 miles away). Charles is relieved to be able to speak openly about his neighbor, stating, "since the law suite is settled- the muzzle is off so to speak- and speak I will."

"Roughage" Beginnings

Ms. Krause/Brien presented all 6'3" of her 218lb frame as the paragon of healthy living. She bragged about her garden and eating only whole foods and loved preaching the joys of composing and recycling. Mrs. Christie puts to rest a few things about how her neighbor's lifestyle didn't quite align with her proposed belief system.

"First... and I don't want to be rude, but the woman is a giant. She wears tight shirts and walks with her chest heaved out. No breast at all. She's just parading her muscles and you can see her nipples under her shirt. That is just not how we do things around here."

Mr. Christie chimes in, "... just scratches the surface. She does steroids obviously, you see vodka bottles in her trash every week- not the recycle bin the trash." Lynn adds, "she pops Vicodin like candy too, everyone knows it- and that garden of hers is nothing but 3 dead tomato plants and lots of weeds. Her composting that she's so fond of comes from the fact she did her own plumbing. She rigged it so every time she flushes the commode everything just shoots through a pipe on the back side of the house. That's why our neighborhood smells like shit!"

When confronted about the most painful issue of all, the death of the beloved dog, Charles said that her claim of any similarities between their dogs was a lie. She had a German Shepard and we had a pure bread Chinese Pug named Sneezy. He also stated "This woman is an intellectually impoverished lying sack of mule shit pardon my French. Poor Sneezy probably just smelt the whipped cream and ran over there... it just breaks my heart.

As for Masha/Stacy she says she's moving back to Germany next month but it's rumored she's headed for somewhere in Indiana to make a clean start.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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