Written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw

Tuesday, 13 October 2015

Those motorists who've ever decided to save a few miles and dodge a few highway tolls on the drive between Buffalo NY and Chicago by passing through that large game sanctuary known as "Canada" may have wondered: "What is there to do here besides hunt moose, photograph Mounties, and guzzle buckets of Tim Horny's coffee?" Well, anyone who braves this passage in early October --just before the entire population enters hibernation as their country rapidly glaciates-- should consider stopping in Kitchener, formerly known as Krautsburg, for "Dirndl Cleavage Appreciation Week", also known as "Oktoberfest".

This year, festival mascot "Uncle Hands" has been offering free dirndl cleavage adjustments and evaluations, as well as offering the ladies--and random cute boys-- a sample of his Oktoberfest sausage. Also, Oktoberfest parade marshal Ellen Degenerate has been busy photographing previously unnoticed phallic-shaped objects along the parade route and posting them to her Facebook page.

And, we mustn't forget that, as usual, the beer kegs are overflowing with an unidentified vile liquid that's guaranteed to kill cockroaches and Keith Richards on contact. Plus, of course, there is the usual spectacle of ostensibly straight men, dressed in leather pants, prancing around to their favourite tuba-vs-discordion music.

The traditional German archery contest known as "Bogenschuetzenfest" will take place as scheduled. However, this year, all participants will be photographed and fingerprinted by the local police.

There have been some radical changes this year: Public figures such as radio and TV commentators have been briefed on the basic rules of German phonetics and pronunciation--no more butchered umlauts! Even more astonishingly, festival organizers have admitted, at least privately, that the "Polka" is actually Polish in origin, and rarely performed in Bavaria. On top of all this comes the acknowledgement that Bavaria is not the only province in Germany, nor does their culture represent that of the entire German nation. Despite the shock waves generated by these changes, a good time is sure to be had by all! Prosit!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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