Written by Philip J. Moss

Monday, 24 August 2015

[The candidates speak out at a town meeting in Plumbucket, New Hampshire . . .]

"You know, Jeb, that's just the stupidest thing I've ever heard, that illegally crossing the border is 'an act of love.' Where did you get that from, one of your wife's relatives?"

"Yeah? It's funny you should say that, Ted, since you weren't even born in this country. How about you show us your birth certificate, you dumb Canuck?"

"Hey, guys, I think that the party's position on immigration has evolved . . ."

"Well, remember, Scott, that you've refused to take a position on evolution, because you're not a scientist. And you never even finished college, so don't go saying stupid things like that."

"I think all three of you are being stupid."

"Huh. Just because you were a Rhodes scholar and your parents came from India you think you can look down on everyone else, Bobby. If I had been president back then we would have told your parents to get in line, behind all the Mexicans."

"Hey, Ben, just because you're a brain surgeon doesn't mean you actually have a brain."

"Fellas, fellas, I think we should stop attacking each other and focus on Hillary . . ."

"Killed any cellphones lately, Lindsey? Talk about stupid stunts."

"You guys, you don't have a clue about how to win this thing. You've got to start thinking bigger."

"Yeah, Chris, you've got a lock on bigger, all right."

"At least I wasn't named after a South African currency. Rand."

"Everyone! The biggest threat is right here at home, from our own government!"

"Good job, Rick. Have you learned to count to three, yet?"

"I know Mexicans. I know how they think. I've made a lot of money with Mexicans."

"Where did that come from, Marco?"

"I just thought it sounded good."
"It's just a paraphrase of something Trump said. No ideas of your own, huh? Got to rip off another candidate's one-liners?"

"Well, Mike, not everyone has your knack for offending both blacks and Jews with a single remark."

"Hey, Marco, you're not Mexican, remember?"

"Mexican, Cuban, they're all south of the border."

"Fellas, guys, you're all ignoring the women's vote. I know women, because I am one, and I can safely say that we are going to lose the women's vote if you men don't stop saying stupid things about women."

"Hey, Carly, that's a pretty good observation. For a girl."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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