Written by Philip J. Moss

Sunday, 23 August 2015

[AT A PRESS CONFERENCE IN IOWA] . . . and the third part of my plan to stop illegal immigration involves the erection of a new stadium on the U.S. - Mexican border. It'll be called the Trump Coliseum, and it'll have a separate entrance for those people who own one of the condos that will be included there as a part of the complex, as well as a multiplex theater, at least two three star restaurants, dry cleaners, the whole megillah . . .

[Reporter:] How will that help stop illegal immigration?

You should let me finish. You know, that's the problem with the press nowadays, you've got no respect for other people when they're speaking. Take the debate, for example. I take time away from my busy schedule to show up and I'm there to debate the other candidates and instead I am subjected to a great many unfair questions and accusations by what's-her-name. You call that a debate? I call it an inquisition. If, no when I'm elected president, I'll put a stop to that kind of harassment of public figures . . .

[Reporter:] But what about the First Amendment?

There you go again, interrupting me. First amendment, shmertz amendment, you think that's some kind of blank check for the press? I can remember back when I was growing up the press showed more respect for everyone. They didn't show FDR in a wheelchair, they didn't report on JFK's peccadillos, but now? Take that debate, for example. That what's-her-name with the peroxide hair and the cosmetic surgery to enhance her you-know-whats, accusing me of disrespecting women . . .

[Reporter:] You didn't finish explaining how the coliseum you're proposing to build would help to end illegal immigration.

I'll answer that if you'll just stop interrupting me with stupid questions. There will be a set of tunnels under the floor of the coliseum with cages for the lions and tigers and giant snakes, whaddaya call 'em, anacondas, and trap doors so that they can be released into the stadium from below. Any illegals caught trying to get across the border will be offered the opportunity to get their green card and stay, if they can survive for ten minutes in the ring there. In fact, if they can last twenty minutes, I'll give them a job! Of course it'll be broadcast live, and the ratings will be through the roof.

[Reporter:] It's been reported that, if elected, you plan to rename Air Force One as "Trump One."

You got a problem with that?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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