Written by Philip J. Moss

Wednesday, 19 August 2015

Republican National Committee is seeking qualified candidates for nomination for President of the United States in 2016. No prior experience necessary.

Dear RNC:

In response to your ad, please consider me a candidate for the Republican nomination for President in 2016. Although I have never held elective office, you can see from the enclosed resume that I have a long list of accomplishments which qualify me for the position. In fact, without false modesty, I can safely say that my accomplishments make me more qualified than most of the other men and women who are seeking the nomination. For example, Ted Cruz and Rand Paul have never served in the military. Neither have Marco Rubio, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, Chris Christie, Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum or Bobby Jindal. Or Carly Fiorina. I, on the other hand, am a recipient of the Army's Meritorious Civilian Service Award, which is issued "for performance of duties in an exemplary manner," among other things, after twenty-five years' service as an auditor in the Department of Defense, Procurement Division.

Needless to say, my experience as an auditor for DOD makes me more qualified than any of the other candidates to rein in government spending!

I also have more experience in international relations than the other candidates for the Republican nomination, as my wife and I have hosted exchange students from Uruguay, Pitcairn Island and Presque Isle (which I have in fact visited).

My family is a model of conservative values. My wife and I were married right after high school, and have stayed married to one another for thirty-five years. We have three grown children, none of whom are gay or on welfare. [In the interests of full disclosure, I am obliged to note that a second cousin of mine is fighting extradition to Alabama. There is no doubt that his name will ultimately be cleared, as the only witnesses for the prosecution are under age, and the vehicle used in the (alleged) criminal activity was destroyed in a fire.]

My views on immigration are well known, as I have served on the Ogunquit Zoning Board for seven years. We have always welcomed Canadian tourists, and I am utterly opposed to building a wall along the U.S. - Canadian border.

Regarding other important social and political issues I am (a) in favor of eliminating the federal income tax for those with incomes exceeding $500,000, (b) opposed to abortions for gay and lesbian couples (c) in favor of bombing someone else's country, (d) opposed to mandatory vaccinations (except for immigrants), (e) in favor of eliminating restrictions on the mining and refining of petroleum based products and (f) opposed to anything that might lift Kansas out of the nineteenth century.

I think that about covers it. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Honus W. Firefly

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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