Last Fall, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un became enraged with the United States due to the upcoming release of the movie "The Interview."
It has long been rumored that the dictator personally called President Obama to express his outrage, but until now the details of their conversation have never been revealed.
Thanks to a secret North Korean source we are now able to publish a transcript of this conversation:
Kim: I will go right to the source. (picks up phone and makes call)
Stiff male voice: You've reached the answering service for Barack Obama, Commander in Chief and leader of the Free World. Please leave a message and the president will send you a Christmas card.
Kim: You are no answering machine, I know that voice! You are John Boehner.
Voice: Uh, the president's busy. He's in a very important Cabinet meeting.
Kim: The hell he is! He's playing golf.
Voice: Uh, he's in the shower.
Kim: I hear golf balls in the background. And you are his waterboy! Everybody knows that.
Obama: Give me the phone, John. And go get me a diet soda.
Boehner: Yes, sir.
Obama: While you're at, go polish my balls.
Obama: Hello? Who is this?
Kim: It's honorable Pak Chal, heir of the incomparable Kim Il-Sung, and leader of glorious sovereign North Korea.
Obama: Who? Oh, yes Kim Jong Il.
Kim: No, it's Kim Jong Un. Daddy is dead and you know it.
Obama: Ah yes, I'm still getting used to the change. Just like I'm still writing last year's date on all the bills I sign. I just got used to writing 2014, and here it is about to be 2015.
Kim: Cut the small talk, Obama.
Obama: So how are things in North Korea?
Kim: You know damn well. You know why I am calling.
Obama: Is this about that movie?
Kim: I don't think you understand how hurt I am by this movie. This movie is nothing less than a call to violence. You know what the movie is called in China? "Assassinate Kim Jong." How do you think the reaction would be in the United States if I released a movie called "Kill Obama"?
Obama: The Tea Party would love it. They'd use the title as their campaign slogan.
Kim Jong: But your party would be outraged!
Obama: Anyway, it wasn't the United States that made it. It was Sony.
Kim: Right, your buddies in Japan.
Obama: You tried to intimidate Sony into shelving the movie.
Kim: It almost worked too. They almost kept the movie out of theaters, thanks to my terrible threats of violence. I was going to rain blood down on the theaters, or at least make more threats. I had them on the run! They were terrified at the thought of Kim Jong releasing more e-mails. I made them my bitch. They canceled the film. Sony was my bitch. But you had to come out and say you were disappointed that they shelved the film.
Obama: I was disappointed. That's not how we do things in the U.S. We don't cave in to terrorists. We value our free speech too highly.
Kim: Free speech, huh! You Americans talk of your free speech so much. What do you use it for? To talk about the latest Kim Kardashian show. Big deal. You waste your precious free speech.
Obama: You're not helping your cause by saying racist things.
Kim: Racist things?
Obama: I think you called me a monkey with a red bum. Whatever that means.
Kim: Oh, it means ass. Red-assed monkey. It's just a British translation.
Obama: Yeah, but what the hell does my ass have to do with anything? How do you know what color my ass is?
Kim: I'm telling you, it's just a bad translation. In Korea, it's not racist at all! I'm calling you a baboon is all.
Obama (sighs): See, hurtful language like that has no place in a modern society. Countries who employ hurtful racial stereotypes will have a hard time getting a toehold in a multinational global economy.
Kim: You Americans make such a big deal out of racism. Tribal conflict is what makes a people better competitors. A nation that is too worried about being nice will be left behind in the battle for world supremacy.
Obama: Anyway you didn't have to hack Sony's e-mail. Now I've got the Japanese on my ass about cybersecurity and all Hollywood is in a panic. By the way, who did that anyway? I know your people weren't capable of that. Who are these so-called Guardians of Peace?
Kim: I will never tell.
Obama: Was it the Russians? I'm looking for an excuse to bomb them.
Kim: I would never dare reveal their nationality. Let's just say they are good comrades.
Obama: I thought so. What was the other thing you called me? Oh yeah, "wicked black monkey." Real classy, there, Kim.
Kim: Oh, that means something else in North Korea. Just a saying. It's not racist at all.
Obama: Mmm-hmm. I don't feel like talking to a racist. If I want to hear that kind of talk I'll go to Alabama.
Kim: Alabama? That's a good one. We have our poor provinces too. Here we just starve them to death if they get out of line.
Obama: See, if you can't have a healthy economy if you starve your citizens to death. You need to adopt the basic principles of capitalism if you want to thrive, like the Chinese are doing.
Kim: Got it, capitalism, blah, blah. So, Barry, how's the golf going?
Obama: Oh, pretty well.
Kim: Pretty well? Really?
Kim: I hear your game is very handicapped.
Obama: No, no, you're thinking of bowling. Watching me bowl is like watching the Special Olympics.
Kim: I hear your golfing is actually worse than Biden's! That's pretty bad.
Obama: Actually I beat Joe the other day. He had to buy me a hot dog.
Kim: You are no Tiger Woods. Though you do look alike, like wicked crossbreed monkeys. Big ears too. Oh sorry, did that sound racist?
Obama: Kimmy, Kimmy. That's more of the language we want to avoid in our society. See, I would never use hurtful racial language to assail you. I would never call you a slant-eyed yellow-faced maniac, even if you are one. I would instead use terms specific to you personally. For instance, I might call you a fat-faced little toad. The word "toad" has no specific racial connotation in this instance.
Kim: Oh yeah?
Obama: Or I might call you a sadistic bondage-obsessed freak, which you are.
Kim: Hey, bondage is catching on everywhere. It's always been acceptable in Asia, and now it's going mainstream in the West.
Obama: Thanks to that awful book.
Kim: Fifty Shades of Gray. Pffttt!!! They call that bondage. Not really sadistic at all, though I do admire the persistence of the male character.
Obama: Ever since my wife read that book, she's insatiable. It's very tiring for a busy man in his fifties. I tell her I have a country to run, I need my sleep. She doesn't care. The sisters want it all night, let me tell you.
Kim: Wouldn't know. I am afraid of black women.
Obama: You should be. They're ravenous. I wish I'd never bought Michelle that book. Gave her too many ideas. I spent a fortune converting the Lincoln bedroom into a bondage den. And when your daughters walk in and you're wearing all leather and chains, it's hard to explain to them. Oh lord, don't ever let your wife read that book. It'll never end. Oh, I forget, you don't have a wife.
Kim: That's right, Kim Jong is eligible bachelor! Free to do whatever he wants.
Obama: Yeah, but no woman wants you because you're such a creep.
Kim: That's okay, I make them do whatever. I hold a gun to their head, I screw lots of women. Not an old married man like you. You are stuck with wife. You are no Bill Clinton. He gets more ass than toilet seat.
Obama: Yeah, that's good old Bill for you. So what, he's fat. I'm in shape. I eat mainly broccoli.
Kim: He still gets more pussy.
Obama: But you know who gets even pussy than Bill?
Kim: Oh, that's a good one.
Obama: She'll make a tougher president too. You think I start a lot of wars, when she gets in there won't be a country in the world we're not at war with. She's one tough bitch.
Kim: Oh, a woman leader, that's funny. Typical weak westerners, to let a woman lead them.
Obama: Go fuck a water buffalo, will you?
Kim: You are thinking of Vietnam.
Obama: How about a Siberian musk deer?
Kim: We have them.
Obama: Then go fuck one of those. I have to make this putt.
Kim: You just watch your step. Remember, I am only one has copy of secret birth certificate. (waves official looking document that reads KENYA BIRTH CERTIFICATE, Barack Hussein Obama Bin Laden.)
Obama: No, no, no reason to bring that up. Just like the American people don't need to know about my secret Muslim faith.
Kim: Right, secret. For now, you are safe. I am too busy deal with evil Japanese Sony Corporation. But later, later…well, you see.