I just want you to know why I was voted off American Idol two weeks ago.
It was Ryan's fault!
The little twit went ballistic when he caught me filling my Plexiglas bath tub with water and bubble bath.
You know. The one I use in my act at the Pink Pussycat Club.
I should have known he wouldn't let me use the tub when he told me I couldn't use the pole for my dance three weeks earlier.
Does anyone know if I can still get on the Pussycat Dolls show? Or Survivors? I look great in a string bikini.
P.S. If you voted for me I'll send you the code to unlock some hot pictures of me at a special website.
I take issue with your charge that I have sex with my dog.
My dog is a virgin. He is very selective in his choice of sexual partners.
I demand TheSpoof.com post satirical articles about me.
I am the only candidate for the Democratic nomination who has not been spoofed in Thespoof.Com.
Do you think my hair transplant worked?
Senator Joseph Biden,
Ignored Presidential Candidate
I noticed that TheSpoof.com posted an article critical of my management of Microsoft.
Your Windows OS and Word licenses expire in five minutes.
I did not refer to the Rutgers Women's basketball team as "Nappy Headed Hoes."
I refered to them as "Nappie Headed Hows."
Please note this correction.
Also Bernard called them "Jigaboos." Why didn't he get in trouble?
P.S. How could I have gotten in trouble? I didn't think anyone with an IQ higher than a sidewalk listened to my show any longer.
Please inform the people of Earth that we do not want any copies of an Inconvenient Truth sent to us as proposed by Professor Hansen.
If you do, we will retaliate and make the War of the Worlds look like a Sunday picnic.
And don't expect germs to save you this time. We have stocked up on disinfectant hand wipes.
The Martian Supreme Council of Archons
P.S. We signed as the "Martian Supreme Council of Archons" because it sounds more impressive that our actual title of Protoplasmic Mess. By the way, what is an Archon?