Written by Simon Saunders

Tuesday, 14 July 2015

image for Secret Tape Recording From 2013 Reveals Thoughts of Britain First, The UK's Most Feared Political Party A slightly wonky Mosque. Enough to strike fear into any decent Islamophobic Brit.

Radio plays an extremely loud version of 'Rule Britannia.'

Party leader, Paul Golding, probably sitting in his Union Jack pyjamas on his Union Jack couch, is humming away triumphantly to his favourite tune. Former party supremo Jim Dowson walks in.

Jim: Morning Paul, you're up early mate. What's the story?

Paul: Couldn't sleep boss. Even though you tucked me in and told me everything would be OK I still had that nightmare about being force fed Subway sandwiches.

Jim: Never mind kiddo. You'll grow out of it. I mean, you've stopped wetting your pants whenever Anjem Choudarys name is mentioned.

Paul: S'pose so. Fancy a brew boss?

Jim: Aye, gone on then. Do me a nice black coffee. Actually, make it a white coffee. Erm, hang on. Just give us a nice cup of white British milk. Best to be on the safe side kiddo.

Paul: Fair enough boss. Grab one of them bacon rolls if you fancy.

Jim: Yeah, I was going to mention the bacon rolls. Why do you have 500 of them in the living room?

Paul: I've got a plan for later. You'll be well pleased boss!

Jim: Never mind that now. Move the bloody bacon rolls away from in front of the telly. They're blocking the screen. How are we going to see the subtitles on our 'Hitlers Greatest Speeches' DVD? You need to watch it this morning Paul.

Paul: On it boss.

Jim: There's a good lad. Speaking of DVDs, has the postie been yet? I'm expecting part 32 of the Joseph Goebbels inspired 'Have I Got Propaganda For You!' I wouldn't be without it kiddo.

Paul: He's not been yet boss. Remember though, he's Polish so he's probably nicked it and swapped it for some cabbages.

Jim: Aye, you might be right. Anyway, have you started that book on Eugenics?

Paul: Yes boss. Remember boss, I like to understand and pronounce every word correctly before moving onto the next one.

Jim: How's it going?

Paul: Erm, I'm having a bit of bother with youg.....uge....the title. I haven't got past the front cover to be honest boss.

Jim: Not to worry. Keep at it lad. What are you up to today?

Paul: Well boss, I thought I'd round up a few thuggish looking types, make them wear flat caps and green cagoules before walking around the streets of London shouting at Muslims through my little loud speaker. Just a normal day boss.

Jim: Good lad! I taught you well kiddo.

Jim: Have you got any ketchup for this bacon roll? Make sure to check it wasn't made with Halal tomatoes.

Paul: Sorry boss. There's no ketchup. Shall I pop to the corner shop and get some?

Jim: NO! NO! NO! What have I told you before? Don't shop there. The bloke who runs it is a Muslim. He probably injects his stock with Halal so we all become infected with Islamic extremism. That's how it happens Paul! How many more times do I have to tell you?

Paul: Sorry boss. I've got some brown sauce. Do you want that?

Jim: Brown sauce? You really don't know me do you?

Paul: Sorry boss.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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