Written by Dean Pender

Monday, 29 June 2015

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"It started with that bottle of tequila" says Danny, jumping as his new husband unexpectedly puts a comforting hand on his shoulder.

Danny is an 18 year old fine arts major at Northeastern University, here in Vegas with his Boston posse for the weekend. We find him dressed to kill in a slimming sheer black tank top and extra-short shorts, exiting The Love-Shack Temple of Love on the arm of a tall lumbersexual in sandals and top-knot, just married.

"Me and my friends were having an innocent time, there was glitter, there was music - and then my best friend Alex decided we should do shots. Which was fine, until he and Derek got competitive and decided to buy the bottle. They only managed two shots each, pfff, pathetic bitches, and left the rest to me while they disappeared to get off together, or puke, or whatever."

"That's when I came over and offered to help." His husband chimes in.

"Yeah that's when...uh..."

"Steve"

"Right, Steve! That was when Steve agreed to be my knight in shining armor. I'd probably have woken up in a gutter if it wasn't for Steven."

"Just Steve"

"Steve"

Danny looks into Steve's eyes adoringly for a long moment. Steve is a 30 year old rig mechanic from Anchorage, here in Vegas to blow some cash and relax before he has to go back on the job.

"While we shared the bottle, we realized we had so much in common! We both have blue eyes, we both like tequila, neither of us can resist any song by Katy Perry, and then we found out we're both gay, too! It was clearly meant to be!" Danny enthuses, and the pair wander off to what we are sure will be a long and happy life together.

Not everybody approves, however.

"Twinks these days have it so easy, I don't think they ever have the opportunity to learn about commitment," sighs one bystander, who introduces himself as James, and refuses to give his last name.

James is a widower in his 50's, and is visiting Vegas with a small group of close friends to celebrate the life of his deceased husband, whose 21-year relationship to James is finally being retroactively recognized by the state of Ohio.

"Back in my day, it was hard. You met someone, you came to love them as more than a friend and, bam, you got kicked out of your house, you lost your job, your friends. Marriage for gays has always been a long, hard road and that made us grow together. Every day we had to really question if the relationship was what we both really wanted, and then we had to fight for it. We fought for decades to get that certificate they're waving around like a party trick, there."

James is not alone in his concerns. Two young men wearing very expensive-looking shoes come out next, one with a fine linen handkerchief pressed protectively over his mouth and nose. He takes a deep breath of the outside air, scented with pollution and alcohol-tinged vomit, and breathes a sigh of relief.

"That," the one with the handkerchief announces dramatically, "was ghastly. The smell of Axe bodyspray is everywhere in there. The Supreme Court has singlehandedly ended the institution of marriage as WE know it. I'm glad we got married before it was state sanctioned, this is just a hot mess!"

Fabio is a 36 year old designer from New York, here with his husband Jerry to celebrate the recent Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage.

"We were going to celebrate getting a certificate to make it legal, but now that I've seen what a legal marriage can look like...I think we'll keep our original union as our memory of when our marriage started." Fabio tells us.

Jerry leans forward to deliver a stage whisper "There were plastic seats in there. And the corsages were plastic, too."

Fabio breaks in, gesturing dramatically.

"Don't even get me started on the corsages. What really gets me is that they came in wearing those ridiculous outfits. I mean, they were both cute but they just did not match at all! I thought same-sex marriage was special because we we can be matched sets! A wedding is your moment to unleash your inner designer to build a really gorgeous and memorable fairy-tale memory for you both to remember. And hey, I think it should be a chance to shove it in those tasteless straight bitches faces, how much better we are at this kind of stuff! But I guess now that we're 'allowed' to marry there's no point in doing it right, anymore."

"But is it really so bad, that gay kids can just fall in love and go tie the knot, just like straight kids can?" I have to ask.

James gives me a stern look.

"You lose something, when there's no resistance anymore. My generation, we didn't get married unless we were really sure we wanted that. Gay marriage before we got 'marriage' meant a lot more than marriage for straight people, because it was uphill in the snow both ways for us. Deciding to stick with that kind of commitment anyways really strengthens a relationship in a way most straight people, or these kids, are never going to experience."

"That's right. And also, they are using wedding rings from a bin the Elvis keeps behind the altar." Fabio adds. "Silver paint on aluminium does not say 'forever'. It says about five minutes, if he's on top of his game. Have a look, if you don't believe me!"

We do indeed venture inside the temple, where we meet a supportive father standing by to watch his son marry the star of his high school swim team.

"I always knew it was pulling pigtails, when he'd come home with a black eye and complain about Brian this and Brian that. So when I caught that bad boy having his way with my innocent little boy I saw it was finally time for a change. Brian is doing the right thing today, and making an honest boy out of my Johnny instead of teasing him, from now on!"

There is a pause in the ceremony as Brian hesitates over the fatal "I do". The small room carrieInnocent gay teens exposed to the sketchy side of "marriage"

"It started with that bottle of tequila" says Danny, jumping as his new husband unexpectedly puts a comforting hand on his shoulder"

Danny is an 18 year old fine arts major at Northeastern University, here in Vegas with his Boston posse for the weekend. We find him dressed to kill in a slimming sheer black tank top and extra-short shorts, exiting The Love-Shack Temple of Love on the arm of a tall lumbersexual in sandals and top-knot, just married.

"Me and my friends were having an innocent time, there was glitter, there was music - and then my best friend Alex decided we should do shots. Which was fine, until he and Derek got competitive and decided to buy the bottle. They only managed two shots each, pfff, pathetic bitches, and left the rest to me while they disappeared to get of together, or puke, or whatever."

"That's when I came over and offered to help." His husband chimes in.

"Yeah that's when...uh..."

"Steve"

"Right, Steve! That was when Steve agreed to be my knight in shining armor. I'd probably have woken up in a gutter if it wasn't for Steven."

"Just Steve"

"Steve"

Danny looks into Steve's eyes adoringly for a long moment. Steve is a 30 year old rig mechanic from Anchorage, here in Vegas to blow some cash and relax before he has to go back on the job.

"While we shared the bottle, we realized we had so much in common! We both have blue eyes, we both like tequila, neither of us can resist any song by Katy Perry, and then we found out we're both gay, too! It was clearly meant to be!" Danny enthuses, and the pair wander off to what we are sure will be a long and happy life together.

Not everybody approves, however.

"Twinks these days have it so easy, I don't think they ever have the opportunity to learn about commitment," sighs one bystander, who introduces himself as James, and refuses to give his last name.

James is a widower in his 50's, and is visiting Vegas with a small group of close friends to celebrate the life of his deceased husband, whose 21-year relationship to James is finally being retroactively recognized by the state of Ohio.

"Back in my day, it was hard. You merry someone, you come to love them as more than a friend and, bam, you get kicked out of your house, you lose your job, your friends. It's a long, hard road and that makes you grow together,c.f. really question if the relationship is what you want and then fight for it. We fought for decades to get that certificate they're waving around like a party trick, there."

James is not alone in his concerns. Two young men wearing very expensive-looking shoes come out next, one with a fine linen handkerchief pressed progressively over his mouth and nose. He takes a deep breath of the outside air, scented with pollution and alcohol-tinged vomit, and breathes a sigh of relief.

"That," the one with the handkerchief announces dramatically, "was ghastly. The Supreme Court has singlehandedly ended the institution of marriage as WE know it. I'm glad we got married before it was state sanctioned, this is just a hot mess!"

Fabio is a 36 year old designer from New York, here with his husband Jerry to celebrate the recent Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage.

"We were going to celebrate getting a certificate to make it legal, but now that I've seen what a legal marriage can look like...I think we'll keep our original union as our memory of when our marriage started." Fabio tells us.

Jerry leans forward to deliver a stage whisper "There were plastic seats in there. And the corsages were plastic, too."

Fabio breaks in, gesturing dramatically.

"Don't even get me started on the corsages. What really gets me is that they came in wearing those ridiculous outfits. I mean, they were both cute but they just did not match at all! I thought the whole point of same-sex marriage was that now we can be matched sets and everything can be symmetrical we can have designers really build a really gorgeous and memorable fairy-tale memory for you both to remember and to shove it in those tasteless straight bitches how much better we are at this kind of stuff! I guess now that we're 'allowed' to marry there's no point in doing it right, anymore."

"But is it really so bad, that gay kids can fall in love and make a commitment, just like straight kids?" I have to ask.

James gives me a stern look.

"You lose something, when there's no resistance anymore. My generation, we didn't get married unless we were really sure we wanted that. Gay marriage before we got 'marriage' meant a lot more than marriage for straight people, because it was uphill in the snow both ways for us. Deciding to stick with that kind of commitment anyways really strengthens a relationship in a way most straight people, or these kids, are never going to experience."

"That's right. And also, they are using wedding rings from a bin the Elvis keeps behind the altar." Fabio adds. "Silver paint on aluminium does not say 'forever'. It says about five minutes, if he's on top of his game. Have a look, if you don't believe me!"

We do indeed venture inside the temple, where we meet a supportive father standing by to watch his son marry the star of his high school swim team.

"I always knew it was pulling pigtails, when he'd come home with a black eye and complain about Brian this and Brian that. So when I caught that bad boy having his way with my innocent little boy I saw it was finally time for a change. Brian is doing the right thing today, and making an honest boy out of my Johnny instead of teasing him, from now on!"

There is a pause in the ceremony as Brian hesitates over the fatal "I do". The small sanctuary echoes back the click of his future father-in-law cocking a shotgun quite clearly. The ceremony resumes.

Whether the institution of gay marriage will survive it's integration into the easier, more permissive institution of legal marriage remains to be seen. No doubt, there will be some changes to how gays, young and old, perceive live and commitment as they enter a new age of easy legal unions. We wish all the beautiful couples we've met a long and happy life together, for as long as they can survive society's easy recognition of whatever relationship can put together the cash to pay the licensing fees.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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