Written by TM_Dealer

Tuesday, 16 June 2015

It is said that for some, the anti-Israel BDSM campaign represents a golden opportunity for antisemites to hide their bigotry and hatred under a cloak of respectability.

But others consider the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions Movement to be an absolute godsend (well, more like Marxsend, Trotsend, Chomskend, whatever)…

To wit, an easy and ethically unproblematic opportunity to show one's undergraduate socialist credentials and compensate for one's lack of a healthy and fulfilling sex life…

Via ranting about the supposed 'Zionist Imperialist Monstrosity™' and the 'Undeniable and Pernicious Zionist Agenda.™'

But apparently, neither of the two entirely monolithic and unified side in the Israel/Palestine dispute are correct.

Why's that, then?

Well, a certain newsgroup rumour has surfaced, stating the BDSM campaign is even worse (or, no doubt for not a few of you, even better) than we had all thought

Yes, you got it! Apparently, the BDSM campaign is an attempt to sneak in kinky fetishist practices by the back door.

At least according to a reputable and thoroughly non-partisan empirical sociological think-tank, known as the Real American's Real America Keyboard Puritan Alliance™.

"Reputable:" that obviously means non-po-mo, non-Marxist, non-radical feminist, non-queer theory and several dozen others.

By the way, indisputable evidence which I can't be bothered citing, or indeed, even coincidentally discovering or fabricating in the first place, shows that the following is definitely not linked in any way whatsoever to any former newsletter writers for Ron Paul:

The BDSM movement has nothing to do with Israel whatsoever.

Nope! It is actually an attempt to incorporate godless pagan practices™ into our social fabric, under the guise of a serious political movement.

That's right! I mean, BDSM began in the 60's in Frankfurt; that is, in a puny backwater city in a small and insignificant Soviet statelet in Euroweenieland called Switzerland…

OBVIOUSLY, as we ALL know, this movement began as a deviously deviant Cultural Marxist™ attempt to undermine our civilisation! And we all know HOW, don't we?

You got it! To wit, by getting faithless and foolish women to abandon true submission to their husbands, leave their families, and go to seedy clubs to whip innocent and gullible young men, tying them up and torturing them.

Well, the clue's in the name. BDSM… always gotta stick purely with the literal, originally intended meaning, huh?

Yeah, we mean clearly, the title of the organisation is calculated to act as a "signal" to fellow BDSM-ing perverts, to inform them that there are other people who sympathise with these vile heathen practices.

Yeah, well it's OK, I suppose!

I mean, it's great for everyone who is deviously seeking a golden opportunity to be castrated with pruning shears, pricked in the ass with soldering irons, clubbed in the cojones or God-knows-what!

However, it's not great for submissive, godly women and assertive, manly Christian husbands!

SO THERE! Deal with it!

So…

PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! Don't let your children near these people! Don't let any of your wives attend any of these meetings!

Please don't… I mean, if people were only bashing "Israel," then that would be acceptable.

Well yeah! I mean, we all know who the REAL People of God™ and Genuine Israel™ are, and it's NOT the Jews. But this shit just ain't right.

Hmmm... so, clearly there is an undeniable and catastrophic danger facing our society. I mean, I read it on the internet, so it must be correct.

Yup! The pernicious Cultural Marxist BDSM movement is apparently NOT an antisemitic movement as such. Rather, it is a kinky Trojan horse for sexed-up fetishists.

Yet, for some reason, there are others who disagree with the largely convincing and theoretically rigorous anonymous newsgroup message I previously cited for you.

Well, for one, the Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu, says:


This is so stupid. It's just not convincing… I mean, if these people only want to practice kinky sex, then why are they making such a big deal about it?

No, I don't find this convincing at all. Why bother with all the hatred?

I mean, do you really think all those rowdy student activists are just, you know, shuffling around England, boning the hell out of leather-clad gimps and strippers? Hardly!


And an anonymous source at the Free Kansas Underground Bondage Congress said:

This is doing our people a great disservice.

Yeah, you know, those of us who practice any form of fetishism have actually been driven underground; we certainly don't talk in the open about our practices.

You know, it's not like we wail and scream and openly lash our comrades' quivering asses in the street…

I mean I, for one, would sure like to, but it's just not an option right now.

But I guess I probably shouldn't presume to speak for everyone, there…

Not much. ;)

And you know what? The so-called BDSM campaign is entirely driven by hatred; and hatred has nothing to do with actual BDSM!

Uh-uh. No…

Think of BDSM as slow, tender, loving, passionate, straight-vanilla intercourse with your lifelong husband/wife/partner.

Well, at least it's kind of like that…

Kind of.

Except that it's fast, not slow; harsh and callous, not tender; aggressive and brutal, not loving; kinky and sexy, not passionate…

And guess what? You don't have to make any commitment beyond the day, night, hour, five hideous and terrifying seconds, or whatever, in which you choose to experience the luxurious and seductive passion of true bondage.

But I mean, yeah, you get the basic picture.

Actually, I don't know what to think.

And I can't really picture who might be correct here.

Maybe best to stop thinking.

Usually that's the best strategy.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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