With the re-election of Sepp Blatter as head of the mafia Back and to the Left news travelled to Switzerland to visit the man himself. After passing more security than a secret research facility we were taken to a giant pool room.
Half naked beauties bathed in a pool of champagne and frolicked under waterfalls of gold flecked water. We would have given them a wave but that would be a breach of our court order. We are ushered towards a deck chair where Sepp lounges drinking from an endangered rhino horn and eating from the skull of a panda he has turned into a bowl. He looks content. Two beautiful women sit either side of him their heaving...
We cough nervously before we write something that may later be used against us in court. Surrounded by so many girls we wonder when the police will turn up.
So Mr Blatter congratulations on your win in the FIFA presidential elections.
Thank you. Some would say the result was a foregone conclusion. But not me.
I knew it was. Rigged all the ballot papers myself. Had my friends not all been arrested I wouldn't have even bothered counting. I'd have just thrown all their wasted votes up in the air and danced around laughing at their democracy.
So you freely admit that there's corruption in FIFA?
Why wouldn't there be? Players dive, managers put pressure on referees, referees accept bribes why wouldn't the people at the very top be doing whatever the hell they want?
Blatters body shuck orgasmically as he sucked the youthful energy out of one of the girls next to him. Her now drained body slipped to the ground where it dissolved into nothingness.
Is that how you feed?
Of course. Once you reach a certain level of power and influence then you must only feed off life force. Do you know nothing?
We know that you shouldn't drink from the toilet bowl in your neighbour's house. Especially if he's said he'll call the police if your caught in their again.
The silence was deafening and reminded us of FIFAS sponsors when these issues of corruption were first brought up.
So now you've been elected again what are your plans to take FIFA forward.
I want to take football to places it's never been before. I've already had some interesting discussions with some very wealthy people about hosting the world cup. ISIS newly formed caliphate expects to liberate some football stadiums from infidels soon. So there's a very real possibility a world cup could be held there.
Yes really. Have you not got any of this? I am untouchable. And I will live forever!
His laughter followed us out of the building and we hoped he would choke on a party sausage roll sooner rather than later.