Written by Caroline Phillips

Sunday, 17 May 2015

My Dear, Dalorise.

It is with a heavy heart I send this e-mail, we have been friends for so long, and I know you were having a hard time finding a parking spot in Whole Foods the other day so I'm sure you are already having a difficult week.

However, It is my duty, as a mother, to address a very serious matter that will impact our daughters both.

Yesterday, Katie came over to watch a movie and indulge in some frozen yogurt with my sweet Julie. As they were laughing and giggling in the back room, I obviously was not trying listening to their conversation as I was in the kitchen. (I was making that wonderful bean-dip Martha brought to the lady's lunch last week, it was just delightful)

Anyway. It was a complete accident when I was standing right next to the door, but I heard Katie confess that she had got her ACT score back and it was a 22. Now, we both know the seriousness of this and I would never jump to conclusions, but I have concluded Katie is not very smart.

I realize this is a personal thing, and I am not a judgemental person whatsoever. But as of now, Katie is bad influence on Julie. We have spoken much before about how Julie got a 33 on the ACT, first try. I do believe I sent out a mass email informing the other parents, you know just for their benefit in case they needed to, um. well, nevermind.

I hope you understand, we are only worried about the safety of our child. The ACT is a very serious exam and is a great test of a child's worth.

I read in Yahoo! Gossip that pop star, Miley Cyrus received a 20 on the ACT and look how she ended up… Also, I was doing some research before pilates and 95% of people that go to Harvard have above and 32 score on the ACT. Wikipedia said that more than 95% of students at Harvard are good people.

You and I both know this is no coincidence

Mr. Barack Obama once said that "Children are the Future" and the ACT is really a projection of how well your future will be. My husband says that he is not a very good President but I do really like his wife's outfits so, anyway.

I realize Katie is, in her heart, a good kid. I know she recently came back from a volunteer trip in Haiti. And she also volunteers five times a week at the human society, while being captain of the field hockey team.

Now, Julie and Katie have been friends forever. I mean since they were born really, and so have our families. Especially because of the fact that, I am married to your brother.

But I cannot have Katie introducing Julie to new things, dangerous things. We both know Katie has experimented with art and temporary hair dye. And I know what comes next.

Drugs. Thats right.
I have never seen Katie with drugs herself. But she has recently purchased some thick rimmed glasses, and so I have heard this makes her a "hipster" I searched this on my new kindle and hipsters smoke marijuana commonly called on the streets, "pot".

Julie is a good girl and a very good student, Katie really needs to keep her distance from my daughter and my home. At least until she can turn her life around.

Luckily for Katie, I am all for second chances. So I propose that Katie takes the ACT again, and again, until she can get somewhere near Julie's score. Julie's score is a 33 by the way,
Once she has an acceptable score, she will print out the official score and mail to me and my husband. Along, with maybe a letter showing her appreciation for my willingness to forgive. Then I can trust Katie's influence on Julie and I will be able to sleep much better at night.

Please do not think I am singling Katie out. I am implementing this on all of Julie's friends. Before entering our home, they will have to print out their score and present to me or my husband at the door. Anything over a 30 will be granted access.

Printing off a score may seem drastic and harsh but, some kids will lie about their score and this is the only way to know for sure.

This is a very difficult thing to say, but I hope you can understand my position and that I am really wanting what's best for both our daughters.

Anyway I have to get the mall, but I will see you tomorrow at the PTSO meeting.

Much Love, Kathy.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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