Written by Wetbehindears

Monday, 27 April 2015

April 27, 2015

To Whom It May Concern:

Hello, my name is Anomny S., and I am Claire's sponsor in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Claire asked me to write this letter to provide proof of her involvement in AA to assist the judge make a favorable determination in her case. I am bound by honesty, to myself and to my higher power, which I have found through The Program. With that said, let the scales of justice fall where they may.

To begin, I hardly know Claire and am baffled as to why she asked me to be her sponsor. To begin, she attends meetings with a ruthless tardiness. When I see her arrive, she slips into the kitchen and takes more time preparing her coffee than it would to complete steps 1 through 6. When she finally joins the meeting, she sits with profound exhibition in the seat next to her "new found soul mate" (which she incessantly declares to the other members), and proceeds to lure this poor soul who barely knows Claire into disruptive activities such as texting, giggling and making fun of those members in attendance who are noticeably high. Claire and her comrade-under-duress also seem to dote and swoon over the younger, single men of the group. (Shall I remind you that dating amongst fellows is strictly prohibited?) Claire, however, has on occasion declared AA meetings a "sober bar," and demonically twisted our revered term of "one day at a time," to "one lay at at time." At first we found these two endearing, now they simply remind us of the joyful silliness we are incapable of experiencing, barred from one of the two elements that permitted us to act like carefree idiots i.e., youth (the other being alcohol). On second thought, they're not that young; specifically Claire, who is fast approaching cougarhood, so she shouldn't be acting like that for any reason unless she's drunk.

The few times I have heard Claire share, it is usually in a pompous and arrogant tone, which tends to match her attire of some high collared, fury jacket and shiny black Hunter boots, the combination of which shout, "I'm an entitled bitch and my daddy can get me out of anything, including this!" Her statements are a string of random, discombobulated (yet at times visually engaging), over-intellectualized half-baked attempts at psychoanalysis that make no sense whatsoever. When she finishes her nonsensical, self-indulgent comment on a topic (yesterday's for example was humility), she smugly sits back in her metal folding chair as if she had just blessed the group with the answer to not only alcoholism, but to all of their problems, their children's problems and their children's, children's problems. When people come up to her to say they liked her share, it's usually out of confusion, pity or to fulfill their "service" for the day.

Regarding health issues, we are extremely concerned about Claire. To begin, she adds excessive amounts of powdered creamer to her coffee which we think, in such a large dosage, causes mind-altering effects thereby creating daily relapses. Therefore, Claire continuously lies about her days of sobriety when asked, so nobody claps on her birthdays. Alone in the kitchen, when no one thinks she's watching, she has also been observed taking small bites of every donut then returning them to the box. If cookies are displayed, she will discreetly lick each one and place them back into position.

Violating a foundational rule in our AA meeting, Claire cross-talks incessantly, showing off her misunderstood law school education by yelling misused and misplaced evidentiary vocabulary such as "objection!" or "incompetency!" to the comments of a sharing AA fellow. At one meeting, Claire's inquisition into another's comments was so incisive she forced the fragile female victim (who was, for the record, wearing conspicuously dark sunglasses) to declare in sobs that she only had three days, not three years of sobriety. Claire persuaded the woman to give back her three year coin, held it up for the group to see then put it into the pocket of her new Patagonia, "for safe-keeping until Mrs. Havasham truly earns the sobriety she claims."

Claire's views seem anarchistic, unharmonious and completely unaligned with the ideals upon which the AA fellowship is based. She constantly refers to her grueling work in addressing the 12 Steps, which I know she has not even started because she asked me to be her sponsor three hours ago then left to go get a pedicure. She specifically refers to the anguish of the 4th Step, the step where members "Make a Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory of Themselves." The entire fellowship can see plain as day she knows nothing of this step because it would at least put her on notice, however muted, of what a self-righteous, idiotic, vain, condescending bitch she is.

Claire has poor eyesight and thinks the tapestry listing the "Twelve Traditions" that hangs in the back of the room is some kind of cafeteria menu and has, on occasion, tried to order off of it. I once heard her, mid-meeting, try to place an order with the secretary. "Garçon!" she shouted, "I'll have the #5, the Prime Purpose, but hold the spiritual entity sauce and any message flavored with suffering."

In short, the only reason why I am writing this letter as Claire's sponsor is to officially deem her the most annoying asshole I've ever met on the planet i.e., she may be the only person I've ever met who is constitutionally incapable of grasping the program.

Claire (nome de plume, Anomny S.)

p.s. Congratulations, Anomny S. (you demonic bitch of a sponsor), you've just wrangled me into beginning Step 1.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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