Written by Auntie Matter

Thursday, 16 April 2015

image for Snoring... More Deadly than Ebola. Snot What you Think!

Scientists in Britain have found that heavy snoring or "sleep apnoea" can lead to psychopathic serial killing, paedophilia, joining the Freemasons and persuading entire nations to go to war against targeted little countries like Iraq that are rich in resources and helpless in defence.

Notable heavy snorers were Caligula, Hitler, Rip Van Winkle, Julius Caesar, Marlene Dietrich, Doris Day, Pope John Paul 1, Abraham Lincoln, Frankenstein, John Kennedy, Kate Moss, Winston Churchill, Tony Blair, Walt Disney and worst of all, Henry Kissinger. Henry was known to have set off earthquake alarms in many hotels he stayed in and could shatter mirrors and chandeliers at a distance while fast asleep. Awake he was a thousand times more deadly.

George Bush Senior is also a notable snorer. Guests staying over at the Bush residence are given earplugs as they come through the front door. Most begin wearing them immediately. They must also sign a Confidentiality Agreement drawn up by Schillings of London swearing not to sue over a sleepless night or whatever consequences may devolve from it. This is a result of an unfortunate incident in 2009 when a Bilderberg guest was found dead in the swimming pool with chewed pencils stuck in his ears. Relatives successfully sued the Bushes for "an undisclosed sum"; but it is not thought that the subsequent 9/11 holocaust was, in any way, connected.

The latest scientific evidence also suggests that heavy snoring can impair rational decision making. Many marriages between the rich and famous, such as Hollywood stars Taylor and Burton, have been cited as classic examples of the phenomenon. Elizabeth was a notorious snorer. Richard's drink problem has been directly associated to prolonged sleep deprivation.

"Further research may need to be done before workable conclusions can be drawn", said Dr. Hu Nohse in his paper "The Links Between Obstructed Nasal Passages and Global Terrorism," recently published in The British Medical Journal.

Meanwhile, researchers at the military wing of Berkeley College California have already been given permission by President Obama to examine the skulls of executed murderers and Nazi war criminals.

There seems to be mounting evidence also that the affliction is hereditary leading experts at the Rockefeller Institute to petition for compulsory chipping at birth for the millions of probable cases in the U.S. The United Nations is expected to debate a similar solution for Europe in the coming weeks.

Said Dr. Nohse; "It is such a relief to know that our world leaders past and present are not as guilty of mass murder as we once thought and that the condition is treatable. We can confidently say now that the American Revolution and the last two world wars can be directly traced to sleep apnoea and possible Vitamin B12 deficiency." Dr. Nohse is in line for a knighthood and the Nobel Prize for Medicine 2016.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Ebola, Snore
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