Written by TM_Dealer

Wednesday, 8 April 2015

Every one's favourite cognac-admiring Eurocrat, Jean-Claude Juncker, has made some surprising revelations to a famously objective UK media outlet.

You know what, I actually can't stand the EU and Europe!

The renowned deconstructor of achingly right-wing/left wing stereotypes and mutual antagonisms cantankerously continues:

I mean, seriously! This is the one continent in the world where people have absolutely bugger all in common with each other…

Angela Merkel likes a beer to wash down her evening meal, while François Hollande savours some poncey fine wine. Italian politicians are easy-going bon viveurs of robust pleasures, while people from that Danish neo-fascist party walk around sad-faced and miserable.

Oh, and Spanish people think British music is all about The Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin, when it is mainly composed of crap boybands; while British people know more about La Macarena than they do about the music Spanish people actually listen to…

Got it? I mean, there is absolutely nothing in common between us! No wonder my job is so difficult!

I venture to ask him if that means he will feel bound to dissolve the EU and liberate Europe from the looming peril to which he refers.

He stares at me:

Of course not! It's precisely BECAUSE OF all these factors, that we must use the utmost brute force conceivable to hold together all these mutually antagonistic populations!

Ja: there is but One Europe, One European, One Interest, One Union, One Eternal Victory March of Neo-Corporatist Progress and Whig-Historical Enterprise and Warfare; and that's it, for a million tax years, and whatever the hell is longer than that! Salute Europa!

Isn't that a little bit coercive, I ask him.

But no… why? my latest "notable public figure" gently and tear-rendingly blinks. Retracting his arm, he tells me:

I mean, there is such a groundswell of popular support for me and my institution; why would I ever wish to leave? If it weren't for the pointless, antiquated 18th-century legal formalism, the petty-bourgeois legislative scruples, the utterly despicable and contemptible EU bureaucratism, I could easily be the unchallenged leader of Europe for the rest of my life….

I mean, from this perspective, I kind of see where those who want to leave the EU and create their own pan-continental superempire are coming from.

Well… make of that what you will. I would have thought leaving the EU would be quite justified (especially given what His Most Exalted Brandi-Dandyness has just told me). ..

Well, God gave the leaders of Europe the keys to social-democratic heaven and crony-capitalist paradise; pity about all the silly plebs like you and me worrying about the maliciously and cynically alleged shortcomings and foible of our glorious leaders (national and continental alike).

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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