In an outpouring of love for the common man David Cameron has promised to "double the number of cut price starter homes". Back and to the Left news met up with the man behind Cameron's plan on a train heading to Glasgow.
We had boarded the train in Hull and had already got to York and slipped onto the Scotland bound train without paying for a ticket. So far so good.
We looked at the rather startled Minister sat opposite us.
Had we just said those things out loud?
What are you talking about man? I thought you said you were a journalist?
Yes we are. We're journalists. Yes. Right what's this about "Labour party sponsors ferret sex ring"?
What are you talking about?
Sorry wrong side of our notes. That was just a piece of outrageous slander we made up. Ah here's our question. "What's this about cut price housing?"
Well that's a very good question. We, as in the Tory party, plan to build millions of "affordable" "housing" for people to move into.
Why did you make the "quotations" sign when you said "affordable" and "housing"?
So what's the plan then chief? How will people be able to afford the houses?
We grew tired with the Minister and began imaging we were Steven Segal in "Under Siege Two" and we were killing terrorists.
If you're bored we can easily call off this interview.
We really needed to stop speaking our thought processes out loud.
Go on then tell us the scheme.
No scheme just affordable housing for all.
Come on what's the catch?
No scheme, no catch, no hoodwink just straight up Tories being nice and junk.
Are they drawings of the new builds?
We reached across the table before he could stop us and we nabbed the plans.
But these are corrugated iron huts? The kind you get in shanty towns.
And? Their affordable to everyone.
And what about these? These drawings show fences and watch towers. It's a prison camp!
A prison camp! Don't be so preposterous we wouldn't build a containment camp in which to herd all off the improvished and unemployed. It's an insane idea-
It says here "Plans for undesirable's containment camp"
We pointed to the title on the diagram.
Right listen here you don't know who you're messing with. I work for very powerful men and-
We're going to tell fucking everyone! Your blue bunch are dead in the election water! They'll be rioting at the polls!
If that's the way you want to play it.
He nodded at a large man sat opposite us who immediately strode over and sat on our seat. Forcing us up against the window with a mixture strength and steely eyed determination he glowered at our perceived weakness. For the rest of the journey he relentlessly tortured us.
Pinching and nipping us. Daring us to cry out to feed his sadistic lust for pain. By Glasgow we were weeping. Crying freely like bridesmaids at a particularly emotional wedding, a Somlian pirate one or something.
The Minister straightened his tie and made to leave.
I'm sure that's the last we'll be hearing of that gentlemen.