Written by Auntie Matter

Thursday, 19 February 2015

image for Ten Tips for a Healthy and Happy Life Supermodel Ward LA. Next Please!

Magazine UR-FKD's Health & Fitness Section has listed the following tips for a healthy mind in a healthy body. Several food chains and media outlets are threatening to sue the editor.

1. Understand the world is run by crooked, greedy people who think they are 'superior' to you and because the are 'superior' to you they actually own the world and everything in it... including you. You and your children have been sent into their world to serve them so that they get to have everything and you get to have nothing.

2. Dump your television set. Ask God to give you the strength not to run out the next day to buy another one. The box is glittering lure... their principal tool of control.

3. Dump your microwave.

4. Grow your own food. If you must visit your supermarket buy nothing there that has not grown under the ground.

5. Do not listen to doctors, lawyers, media workers or anyone involved with organized religion ... or with any other salaried form of mass deception.

6. Keep away from newspapers and magazines. Both serve Satan, the Father of Lies. A supermodel lying in a hospital ward with an incurable disease is no more 'attractive' than the fat lady lying in the bed next to her. They will look much the same six months after they are interred while their beds await the next fantasists to take their place. Fashion and the cult of celebrity are cosmeticized delusions for the gullible. Not worth dying for. Burn all your Harry Potter books for the same reason.

7. Keep away from movies. While taking your money to allegedly 'entertain' you what most of them are actually doing is brainwashing you with mythic crap so that you, your sons and daughters will put on a uniform when ordered to, pick up a weapon of mass destruction called a "gun" and run blindly out into the night to die for the banking elite's hegemony that these tossers shamelessly serve. Nobody with half a brain should fall for it. But you are dealing with very cunning folk indeed. Best to kick the habit, seek a trance-free state and take the first stumbling steps towards thinking for yourself.

8. You need exercise. But you don't need to go into training to climb Mount Everest if the most you have to face on a daily basis is scaling one flight of stairs to your apartment. "Six-packs' are for insecure males who need to wage war in a boxing ring to prove they are real 'men' like Spiderman or Donald Rumsfeld.

9. Understand you have no rights. The boys in control let you have only a provisional few so that you show up for work Mondays as expected. The so-called 'Constitution of the United States' is only there to let schoolkids know what they look like.

10. Put your trust in the God of your own heart. You are not a sinner or a pervert. You are just a contemporary human being whose mind has been pumped so full of shit from birth that when you add two plus two you are not entirely convinced you will get four. Don't personalise or identify with any any of it.

When you have done all these things and finally get over the years of depression, mockery, abandonment and loneliness that await you, there may be hope you will find true health, sanity and real happiness... if they let you live that long.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
More by this writer
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story



Go to top
68 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more