Written by Leo Montford

Monday, 9 February 2015

image for This Country's Gone to the Dogs Innit? Gaw on! Bring back the good old daze mate!

We have lost our bloody way as a nation we have. Our country has become infiltrated by joyless snobbish lefties, filthy immigrants, rampant homosexuals who are up for anything and miserable and fat feminists. What happened to the good old days innit?

The good old days of Only Fools and Horses, Rolf Harris, Rod Stewart, The National Front, It It Ain't Half Hot Mum, New Faces, Jim'll Fix It, Dave Lee Travis, On The Buses and gays not being allowed outside at night or else they will get beaten up! These days are all gone and we have none of it no more. Bring back the good old days! That's what I say.

All one has to do it turn on the telly and what do they see? Gay filth! I was going through the channels on my television (and there ain't nothing good on like there used to be in the 70s) and I accidentally (honest) put my telly on to a channel called Gay TV XXX and what I saw was disgusting. There were two naked blokes holding each other - It's absolutely disgraceful and after 45 minutes I turned it off fuming with what I had just seen. I also saw another hardcore gay program on Channel 5 where two almost naked blokes wearing nothing but fingerless gloves and shorts violently fisted each other inside of an octagon shaped cage while an audience of angry men cheered them on. I mean it's an absolute disgrace and it needs to be BANNED!

Also I heard that there are these feminists going round trying to ban the British institution of Page 3, but all these feminist birds are the same - they're all middle class lefties because there is no way that working class people would do that because they're all like me innit? I represent every person in working class Britain and none of them would ever disagree with me. These birds are trying to take away one of the finest aspects of our society just because they are jealous that they don't look like the Page 3 birds so they want it banned, but I say enough is enough! I have the right to knock one off over a barely legal teenager after I've had my full English breakfast with extra British bacon. I remember when birds were like Sam Fox and they didn't question that they may or may not be being objectified by greedy and perverted men. I mean even my wife has turned against me as I had to cook my own dinner the other day and I got terrible food poisoning and I had to call the fire brigade because I set the kitchen on fire. Women should know there place like they did in the 70s.

And what about comedy, hey, back in the day we used to get earthy comedy like The Black and White Minstrel Show, but the lefties would never let that back on the box and the only shows that have come close to matching the comedy in the 70s is the earthy Mrs Brown's Boys and the brilliant Noels House Party. And what happened to the earthy gag-telling comedians like Jim Davidson, Bernard Manning and Roy "Chubby" Brown - now we just get a load of brown people and boring militant feminist lefty so-called "comedians" like Michael McIntyre, John Bishop and Harry Hill. The elitist TV executives don't understand earthy humour and we don't get enough working class comics, but I don't want progressive and intelligent working class comedians - I want the 70s bigoted working man's club comic like in the good old days, you know real earthy comedy that doesn't ever make you think about nothing. Also television "drama" these days is terrible! All we get now is a load of old crap aimed at birds like Broadchurch we need more drama aimed at men like me - stuff that isn't intelligent, interesting or thought-provoking, perhaps something about motorbikes or football.

Here's what we need to do to improve our nation;

  • BRIT TELLY needs more earthy comedy like Only Fools and Horses and Till Death Us Do Part, dramas about relatable and masculine men's things like fixing the car, earthy gag-telling comedians, more variety shows like in the 70's, no more gay pornographic muck like MMA, gunge tank shows in prime time, top-notch entertainers blacking up and the only woman who should be allowed on the telly are hot crumpets with big tits.
  • No more French cuisine or foreign muck and more earthy British meals like Jellied Eels, Bangers n' Mash and Spaghetti Bolognese.
  • Instead of banning Page 3 we need to have a naked bird in every piece of printed writing, this includes newspapers, magazines, books, leaflets, manuals and so on.
  • More proper British music like we had in the 70s such as Rod Stewart, Supertramp and Screwdriver.
  • Lastly people like me should have louder voices so we can shout over more intelligent and logical people and not allow their opinions to be heard.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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