Written by Leo Montford

Tuesday, 27 January 2015

image for London's Lonely Hearts

Grace Power - Tattoo Artist (35)

Short haired lady with muscular build whose interests include pumping iron, spitting and football. Is looking for a professional and handsome business-like man.

Murray Miller - Retired Factory Assistant (104)

4 ft 4 in height, decrepit, wrinkly and covered in moles and liver spots who enjoys waking up in the morning. Is seeking a woman who can take him to toilet and carry him up the stairs.

Philip Mason Dagger - Vlogger (30)

Unclean man with greasy hair, neck beard and weighs 300 pounds and performs internet videos under the moniker 'The Atheist King'. Enjoys Transformers movies, Nickleback and leaving homophobic comments on internet message boards and videos. Is seeking absolutely anybody. It doesn't even have to be a sexual partner just someone who is willing to interact with him.

Leon Jackson - Cruise Ship Entertainer (26)

Former X-factor winner who is tall with dark hair. Likes pasta, pop music and the film Dude Where's My Car? Looking for a powerful and successful woman - perhaps one who runs a successful record label.

Jade Ghetto - Beauty Therapist (24)

Very tanned with bleach blonde hair. Enjoys going to clubs, listening to drum'n 'bass music, Nandos, and "being one of the lads". She is seeking a man that is intelligent with interests in literature or poetry and won't treat her like dirt.

Jedward Glasscock - Maths Teacher (42)

Bald, tall, intelligent, polite and has excellent etiquette and also appeared on Channel 4 flagship show Countdown. Likes playing chess and is a self confirmed "Book Worm". Jedward Glasscock is his legitimate birth name and he is seeking a woman who can go a whole evening without laughing about it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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