Written by Auntie Matter

Wednesday, 7 January 2015


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image for "Terror Tales will Come True" Blockbuster on the Way Rod Lincoln sets sail for Korea

Hot on President Obama's blessing to release the new Bond Movie SPECTRE and his endorsement of the anti-North Korean film "The Interview", Hollywood is soon to release a new movie called, "Terror Tales will Come True".

The film will be a One Bare Leg production under the Warner Bros label in conjunction with Rockefeller Enterprises, Happy Films, Pike Inc, Con-Artists Media Corp, Two-Thumbs-Up-Independents, Left-Eye-Concealed Ltd and in association with Twin Pillars Inc, Horus Forever Almagamate, Fuk-U-All Animations, Irish Sinn Fein Film Enterprises and The Grand Lodge of Washington Independents.

The film plot is as follows. As the rousing musical duet intro ("Young at Heart") from Rod Stewart and Shirley Bassey fades, we see our hero, Rod Lincoln (Nicolas Cage) in a bath repeating the song with subtitled lyrics; "Terror tales will come true, it can happen to you... if you're Jong at heart."

He gets a phone call: He is to go to North Korea, dismantle their nuclear capabilities, assassinate their government and rescue the CIA mole Natasha Floo (Nicole Kidman). His close-up expression reveals that he is surprised. His plans for a make-over are out the window. But, when your country is at risk... from without this time, it is folly to waste time on hair dye.

He flies to London MI6 HQ to be briefed, thence to a Soho brothel to be de-briefed. Next day, he is driven to meet a retired Sir James Bond (Sean Connery) who is wheelchair bound and suffering from crabs, varicose veins, a touch of Ebola, gout, periodic memory recall; and a host of other ailments that afflict elderly, retired, homicidal MI6 psychopaths.

There follows one of the most moving scenes in the film where the veteran spy gives Lincoln fatherly advice; which is also advice to America from a world expert with a Cambridge education, showing how deeply cemented those two countries have become, thanks to Harry Potter.

This benign union is hinted at by the stars and stripes flag Bond has draped over his knees and the large group photo he has of Tony Blair, George W. Bush, Peter Mandelson and Dumbledore on his wall. As he chucks another close-up shot of an empty can of Budweiser into the waste basket he cautions Rod Lincoln as to what lies ahead of him.

ROD: It's a big ask.
007: It's not a big ashk. The toilet is just over there, I have to pee for chrishshakes!
ROD: No, I mean killing an entire North Korean government. It might affect their economy.
007: We will give them a new government, a proper one, one based on the Obama model, devoted to crooshifying their own people for profit and killing anybody who tries to stop them. You musht keep your mind on the job. That's what porn... I mean eshpionage... is all about. Besides, they say he's ill.
ROD: Who is?
007: Jong.
ROD: Thanks, James. I try. I dye my hair.
007: No! Jong-il. He's ill.
ROD: That's the third time you've said that James. What are they giving you?.... Oh, that Jong!
007: Lishen, Rod, you have to move fasht and kill them all, rescue Mish Floo and then... do what I would do in your circumstanshes.
ROD: What, James?
007: Shag her brains out... slowly... preferably in a moving vehicle. Land, sea or air, it doshn't matter. We have to make a good impression. Movies are all about profit and profit is about foreign relations.
ROD: Will do, Sir.
007: One more final thing before you go.
ROD: What James?
007: I have just pisht my pants. If you wouldn't mind...

As Lincoln leaves the country mansion that is 007's final resting place, you can see in his eyes how affected he has been by the encounter. In a slo-mo pan into his right eyeball you can see how deeply affected he actually is. "How could such a great spy, an immortal legend like Bond, have been brought so low?", those eyes seem to say. "And why couldn't they have supplied him with incontinence knickers?"

Next, we see Lincoln in a diving suit struggling ashore from a submarine parked in rough seas just south of Seoul.

He makes his way to a bamboo hut nearby and, using a photo of Jim Carey in his last film "Dumb and Dumber To", disguises himself as a stooped Korean. As he now speaks the language fluently after his brief encounter with a Korean hooker in Soho, he has no difficulty finding meaningful employment at a local restaurant basting roasted ducks. When the time is right and armed with all he needs to know, Rod heads for Pyongyang and his date with destiny. Cleverly, he smuggles himself across the Korean border disguised as a Latvian wheelbarrow.

There follows the usual scrapes and skirmishes. Two hundred odd smashed cars, shops, street markets, tanks, helicopters and uranium plants later; plus a few thousand troops with no families or relatives killed off en route; and with all the government blown to smithereens on a yacht they thought belonged to J.R. Ewing, Rod finally breaks into Jong-il's palace to rescue Natasha.

She is totally shocked at first while brushing her hair... as she thinks she has spotted a grey one,... but it is only the reflection of Lincoln in her mirror..
FLOO: What the hell do you want?! Sex with a movie star? Join the queue buster!
ROD: I've come to rescue you, Natasha
FLOO: From what? I'm having the time of my life. I have maids, butlers, a limousine, gold toothpicks and freedom. And Jong-il is a gentleman as is his dad, not like those pigs I dated.... oh, I don't want to think about it! Look at this bathroom. I have only to yell and you would be arrested before you got past the jacuzzi!
ROD: His government is no more.
FLOO: He has a sense of humour.
ROD: The North Korean economy is ruined.
FLOO: Russia and Singapore are our allies. We'll be exporting chopsticks again before you know it.
ROD: He hates fast food.
FLOO: So do I.
ROD: I have to take you back.
FLOO: There's one other thing... I didn't mention.
ROD: What?
FLOO: He likes all my films, especially Le Moulin Rouge. I'm staying.

After several bottles of champagne Rod persuades Natasha that America needs her; and they escape to Japan in an American drone he had brought with him in his Navy Seal duffle bag. The film ends as they make out in a giant satellite dish just outside Tokyo. Sir Richard Branson lowers them down on a rope from his helicopter, with a signed, enlarged photograph of his teeth as a memento, in case they forgot what 'love' is all about. The scene takes place at night, with the helicopter silhouetted against a full moon that Sir Richard hopes one day to buy.

Producer, director, writer and co-star Hiram Firem said at a press conference. "Of course, the North Koreans won't like it; and the bigger a noise they make about it the better. Anything that helps us make terrorism (lol) more real to the sheeple than it is in reality...is okay by us. That's what we are here for. To keep the sheeple fast asleep at their troughs while we fleece them. But, don't quote me on that."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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