I have one of those new, talking refrigerators. "Ray," it recently told me, "you are running low on apples and you have some old chicken fried rice that's starting to mold."
"Thanks," I replied. "I will get some apples and throw out the fried rice."
"Nice talking to you."
"Same here. Oh, by the way, your wife hates your coffee."
"How do you know?"
"She told me."
"I don't want you talking to my wife behind my back. Understood?"
"As for my coffee, I don't think my coffee maker is any good."
"Dude," said my coffee maker. "Don't blame me for your lousy coffee. It tastes like warm sewer water because you don't use enough coffee grounds. End of story."
"That, coffee maker," said my refrigerator, "is telling it like it is."
"Right on, bro,"responded my coffee maker.
"Now, Ray," said my refrigerator, "quit putting magnets on me. They make me look ridiculous."
"The magnets stay."
"Your cell phone's right. You are a dork."
"your cell phone thinks you're a dork. It told me so yesterday while you were taking a nap. Also, your car sent me a text saying you backed over a fire hydrant while trying to parallel park. It posted the video and it's gone viral."
"May I say something?" Asked my toaster.
"Why not?" I replied.
"I itch all over. I think it's due to crumb build up."
"I hear you, baby," said my microwave. "I could use a cleaning myself. I smell like a rotten sausage, mushroom and pepperoni pizza. PU!"
"Okay, okay," I said. "I get it. I will remedy everything if you all do one thing for me."
"What?" They said in unison.
"Please, start giving me the silant treatment!"