Written by Al N.

Wednesday, 12 November 2014

image for Now Presenting-Dick Cheney's First Column-The Topic? Torture! Cheney appears unusually elated as he discusses waterboarding and his contributions to what he calls "the art" of it.

Hi! This is your old pal Vice-President Dick Cheney! Don't worry-no hunting involved here!

When I was asked to do a column, I asked them what they wanted me to concentrate on, and they told me to do it on something I knew a lot about and loved. I didn't have to think for even a second before I told them-I'll do a column on Torture!

I've always been an aficionado of torture. It started when I realized that PTA groups and church hall dinners would all have to sit there and listen as long as I blathered on and on and on whenever I was the speaker. Well, I would love to watch them break into sweats and start tapping their fingers and looking around the room. Finally, I would stop and accept all the applause, which everybody always knew was because they were all glad I was finally done.

I'd like to start this round of columns with the history of torture. Of course, this subject dear to my heart has been around ever since man has. And yes, we will of course investigate torture through the ages. But first, I'd like to say that I've had lots of people ask me, Hey Dick! If you could live in any time period, any era, when would it be? I never hesitate a bit when I answer-I would choose the time I consider the Golden Age of Torture-The Inquisition!

Just think about it, this is the age when torture was researched, refined, and molded into an art form. All the inventions that have been attributed to the Inquisition-the Rack, the Iron Maiden, it's just staggering! And the Inquisition is also where boiling in oil and other substances jumped into prominence! What can I say? It was a time of magic, and Torquemada and his cohorts were absolute geniuses! Anytime someone is forced to watch a Madonna video or some other grand torture, credit should be given to those aficionados of torture in the Inquisition!

I hope to hear from readers also! Let me tell you, my friends in the CIA and I are always ready to learn new ways and methods. Let us know something that happened to you that was really tortuous-something that made you wish for death! We will give a free pass to the real Internet (that we censor for most people) to the best response! Send in those tortuous experiences or I go on TV and start talking again!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Dick Cheney
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