Written by Jackson Hoff

Thursday, 7 August 2014

image for Whatever Happened to Punky Brewster? I remember when this guy did TV commercials. Seriously.

Hoff here.

I had a hard time deciding whether I should even bother with a subject like Television. In such cases, I just sleep on it. That usually helps. So I slept through a one-hour cop show, and two sitcoms, and decided to throw this out there. Television used to be like the friend who'd stop in for a visit every night from 7 to 10 for a chat. Sometime we'd talk about the news and sports. He'd tell me funny stories, or maybe some dramatic ones, like the punk down the street. The punk had robbed the bank in town. In the process, he took 3 hostages. The cops showed up, and one of them got on a bullhorn and... well you know what I'm talking about. If you want to know how it turned out, e-mail me at idon.tgiveashit@Hoff.com... So this friend and I spent some quality time together. I relaxed; I got myself a beer or two.

It's not like that anymore. Now television's like a horde of strangers banging at your front door. Now you need to wade through a pack of feral street people (streeters) to find one that you want to bring into your home. So you bring one in, ask them to sit down and even before ass meets couch, he's trying to sell you a goddamn car, kitty litter, or pills. Lots of pills. Soon, after about 5 minutes worth of mindless sales pitches, he begins to talk about this serial killer whose M.O. is killing 20-something women using razor blades over every square inch of their bodies, then digging out one of their eyes (the right one, always) as a trophy. That's just about enough, you say, and you boot him out.

Ok. It's not that you can't watch the shows that you've been watching. They're there. It's just all the flotsam that you need circumvent as you maneuver your way to your selected show. Such foul crap, and there's so much of it. Maybe it's been this way all along, but now it seems pretty evident that the "shows" are really just bait used to draw viewers to their sponsors. If the bait isn't drawing a certain number of us fish, they just change the bait until they have enough suckers circulating around their amazing, flashy deodorant ads to make them happy. Ironically, those commercials usually stink. Some shows are relatively successful, and earn some deserved attention. I applaud those that try to appeal to viewers who have all their teeth and graduated high school.

Don't get me wrong. I welcome variety. Everyone has their tastes. For me variety relating to food, for instance, is salmon, tuna, chicken, pork loin, chicken livers, steak, and anything with cheese on it. For others, variety begins and ends with whatever's on the menu at BigBeefie's. Every month they offer a new flavored yogart that comes in a cup that you can keep. Now that's variety.

So, this is just something I wanted to get off my chest. Visual entertainment is changing almost daily and I just can't (or won't try) to keep up with it. Honestly, these days there are many times that the most entertaining experience I have are the insides of my eyelids.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: TV
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