Written by Shortty

Thursday, 13 March 2014


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image for The greatest love of all Go on, she'll thank you for it !

Let's face it guys, we all get nervous before a date with a beautiful young lady. And if it is one that you suspect and hope that you are going to get lucky on, then it's only natural that some performance anxiety will creep in. There are several ways to combat this but one of the commonest is to have a little "me time" prior to your date. This not only relaxes you but will hopefully make you a little less quick on the trigger, hopefully ensuring greater pleasure for your new lady friend. So common is this now that it even featured in a hilarious scene in There's something about Mary, where Ben Stiller spaffed in his own hair.

Even womens magazines tell us that this makes our performance more rewarding so it is no surprise that a cheeky one off the wrist is so popular before a date. But how long before is best? Too long before and the dreaded PE can still rear it's ugly head, DISASTER! Too soon before the date and you can desensitise yourself, and your young lady friend will be left bereft and hurt as you cannot rise to the occasion. The poor mare blames herself. DISASTER!

Help is at hand however (pardon the pun). "Sticky" Vicky Drake from the London Institute of Slutty Nurses told us "it really depends on your age. If you're getting on a bit it's best to leave it a while or you might kill yourself. If you're a young lad, chances are you're knocking one out eight or nine times a day anyway so just go for it and enjoy yourself".

One man who took her advice was Ian Dickins. He told us "I'm only young so I go off a bit quick sometimes but I have no trouble getting it up again afterwards. I like to leave it as late as I can before the date to crack one off, usually on the train on the way there".

When we pointed out that this is illegal he laughed "you're joking. Last Valentines day the whole train was doing it, at least in my carraige anyway. When we stopped at Tottenham Court Road there must have been eighty of us furiously tugging away. We never hurt anybody and I'm sure our girls would have understood that we were thinking of them. Although we did find it a bit difficult to look at each other as we got off the train".

As disturbing as this sounds, news has reached us of a group who like to wait even longer. Top London sex pest Simon Thurman told us "I'm so considerate in the bedroom that I wait until the date has actually started before I spank the monkey. Under the table in a restaurant is tricky but possible. A recent one got embarrassing though. She'd cooked me a lovely meal and had taken the dishes out to the kitchen. I thought I'd go for it and got lost in myself when I heard a cough. I hadn't realised she had one of those old fashioned serving hatches in the wall and suddenly I saw her nan looking through at me. Fair play to her though, she said she understood and wished that her Reg had been so thoughtful".

So there you go guys. It seems we're all doing it more than ever. Although teenagers have traditionally led the way, new research has revealed that two groups manage to masturbate more than any other. These are men in the prison system and the outright champions, Liverpool fans.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: masturbation
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