Written by Gee Pee

Friday, 21 February 2014


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Jessica Alba has starred in a string of so-so movies, including Going Nowhere, The Secret of Allie's Rack, Fantastic Foursome, and The Rise of the Silver Phallus.

Walter Scott called her a "sex symbol," and, in 2006, when she was 25, Maxim named her 99th in its list of "99 Most Desirable Women." Since then, she has fallen off the chart, although FHM gave her an "honorable mention" in its 2007 "100 Sexiest Women on the Planet." Since then, only TV Guide, a magazine devoted to transvestites, has listed her-as a runner-up to the fiftieth of its "50 Sexiest Stars of All Time."

As a child Alba was an accomplished hypochondriac, imagining that, at various times, she twice suffered from partially collapsed lungs, had pneumonia four or five times a year, suffered from a ruptured appendix, had a tonisllar cyst, suffered from asthma, and is a victim of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Once she became a thespian, late in high school, these imaginary health problems seemed to vanish. "Maybe it was boys' cooties," she quipped, apparently confusing the terms "thespian" with "lesbian."

She received a Teen Choice Award for "Best Ass" and a pair of Golden Globes for "Nice Tits."

She was also nominated for an Academy Award for her portrayal of Joyce Lakeland, a prostitute, in The Thriller Inside Me, but lost because of her lack of "verisimilitude": she has a no-nudity clause in her contract, and audiences found it hard to believe that her character would have sex with strangers in exchange for money without taking off her clothes.

She won a Razzie for "Worst Actress Ever," for her role in Eyeballing, a movie about voyeurism. She played an exhibitionist who refuses to strip naked. Critics referred to her as "a box office boob." Her acting career has been in decline ever since.

After receiving tutoring in "the art of love" at the hands of her much-admired idols Morgan Freeman, Sean Connery, Robert Redford, and Michael Caine, Alba tried Michael Weatherly on for size, but finding him "a little too little" for her taste, divorced him and married Michael Warren, with whom she has two dolls, Raggedy Ann and Andy.

In her spare time, Alba performs in bondage videos for the Declare Yourself voter registration campaign and supports gay rights. "I'm a thespian, after all," she said.


In addition to the films already mentioned, Alba has also starred in the following movies:

Penis Rising (1005)
Never Been Fisted (1999)
Honeypot (2003)
Knocked Up (2005)
Hairpie (2007)
Make Bill (2008)
Barely Legal (2014)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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