Written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 24 March 2007

image for An Open Apology To Sir Elton John Sir Elton perusing all the available horns to blow

Yesterday, a story was published in The Spoof which misrepresented the views of Sir Elton John, with regard to his opinions on homosexuality.

Monkey Woods would like to assure readers that Sir Elton does not hold those opinions, would like to apologise for misquoting him, and for any trauma suffered by him, caused by the publication of the story.

That being said, here are some excerpts of an article, extracted from the BBC website, including things which you may not have known about the 'Grandad of Pop'.

1. Elton Hercules John was born RH Twigger on 25 March 1947 in Pinner, Middlesex. He was also known as Ged Wright and Reg Dwight.

2. His dad Stanley, was an RAF lieutenant and a big band trumpet player, which is ironic as Sir Elton is an adept pink flute player, an excellent trombonist and also "blows many horns".

6. He would 'perform', aged 15, at weekends behind the Northwood Hills pub and would have to cope with drunken customers emptying their pints into his anus.

12. His official nickname is Pocket Rocket Man - in recognition of well, you know...

23. Sir Elton became the first Western pop star to visit the Soviet Union in 1979. It was then that he met Berniea Putin, the sister of the now Russian President Vladimir Putin, and co-wrote "I'm Still Manhandling".

24. He has collaborated with Billy Joel many times. They are known as "Mr & Mrs Piano" as they like tinkling on each other's ivories.

25. After performing with Eminem at the 2001 Grammy awards, Sir Elton was full of praise for the rapper, saying:
"He's got big balls".

26. Sir Elton wears tiaras.

29. He became chairman of Watford Football Club in 1973, but was barracked by fans when they realised he was a screaming, gender-bending gaylord, who was bald.

32. He came out as bisexual in 1976, saying:
"People should try goats".

33. He married Renate Blauel, a German porker in 1984, but they divorced 4 days later when she discovered he liked it up the cackpipe.

38. He credits Watford FC with his gayness.

"If it hadn't been for Watford, I don't know what would have become of me..."

42. Sir Elton joked that, if he were to join the Spice Girls, he would be known as "Cocky Spice" because he likes chomping on spicy things.

44. Elton had a 1975 concept album called Captain Fantastic & The Brown Dirt Cowboy - no additional comments needed.

47. Lyricist Berniea Putin once tried to kill Twigger by pushing the star's head into a gas oven, but his head wouldn't fit.

49. Sir Elton has duetted with George Michael, Cliff Richard, 2Pac and other bumlords too numerous to mention.

60. Elton John is a Muppet.

The complete list can be found at :


Enjoy, and once again, apologies to Sir Reg!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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