Written by Jalapenoman

Friday, 23 March 2007

image for Jelly Farts

Ever have a colonoscopy? This is where you lay down on a hospital bed and they run a camera up through the rectum and into the colon. Doctors due this to check for colon cancer, hemorhoids, and other possible problems. If your answer is yes, you know where this is going.

I was having a bloody stool (there is no polite way to say that). When I wiped myself, the toilet paper had just as much red as brown. I know I had to see a doctor to find out if this was something serious.

Well, I went in and they made an appointment for me to go to the hospital the next day for a colonoscopy.

First, I was told that I could eat or drink nothing after supper. I was also given laxatives to take after dinner and before bed to help clean me out. When I tried to point out that I could not take the laxatives if I could not eat or drink anything, I got the "we are not amused" glare of death. I was also given a couple of enema kits to give myself.

When I reported to the hospital, I was given another enema. And another. And another. They wanted to make sure that the fluids were all coming out clear and that I was not "full of crap" (it is my usual state).

Finally, they determined that my stuff was clean and didn't stink (I've been saying that for years).

I had to lay down on my stomach and they begin to coat my but with some kind of green jelly (no, I did not ask which flavor). I pointed out to the doctor that, up to this time, my ass had always been "exit only." Once again, he was not amused.

They begin slowly pushing a camera up inside of me. The farther it went in, the more jelly they would put onto the cord to keep it lubricated. A second tube in my behind pumped air in to keep the passages open wide.

We could see on a screen all of my insides as the camera continued its "Fantastic Voyage."

Eventually, he went far enough and begin removing the camera. I was told to wipe the goo off of my bottom. I was not warned about the other part.

Now, they had pumped air into my insides. They had also pumped in jelly. These both wanted and needed to come out. Unfortunately, the jelly liked the idea of keeping things closed.

Over the course of the next five or six hours, I had the farts. Really bad. Really loud. Really embarrassing.

Every time I would fart, I would also shoot out a glob of jelly. Hence, jelly farts. The kids loved it. They even put in requests!

I was changing my shorts every time I farted. I didn't want to go around with pants full of green goo. Finally, I gave up. I just couldn't sit on the "good" furniture.

After several hours, the farting stopped (the air was finally gone). I still, however, had my insides coated with goo. When I did actually start having bowel movements again, they were all coated with this stuff for several days. It increased the toilet paper usage in my house and at work tremendously.

In the end (pun intended), it was determined that I just had hemorhoids and the condition was easily treated.

To this day, however, I will not eat green jello.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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