Written by Samuel Vargo

Wednesday, 28 August 2013

image for Eight Crazy, Dangerous, Nutcase Numbskulls Who Deserve Stoning

In recent days, weeks, and months, there have been some outrageous displays of total insanity, stupidity, arrogance, fraud, and even murder and mass murder, bringing back the need for throwing rocks at people. Just like in Biblical times. None of these events or people are funny. They're very unfunny. And although we can't actually throw rocks at others, dark satire's always been a good way to sling hard clay around.

Not enough figurative boulders - semantic yet sharp - can be thrown in the direction of these utter nutcases. Here's eight of the most flagrant actors and their acts:

1) The biggest, heaviest rocks are reserved for Syrian President Bashar Assad, for recent poison gas attacks in which hundreds of civilians were murdered. Such atrocities have no place on a comedy and satire website, and there's no way in hell even the most gifted comedian or satirist can make anything funny concerning these horrid massacres.

Anyone who thinks being gassed to death is funny needs a good stoning, too. But in the name of dark satire, this Assad guy takes the proverbial "unfunny" cake.

He's a fucking lunatic and needs to be stopped. Assad deserves the worst stoning imaginable; so a colossal 134,295 ton boulder is reserved for this dictatorial Middle East vampire.

The flying rock's actually a streaming comet. It's heading right past Mars as you read this and should be here any day now.

2) The Welsh family in Mountain Ash who abused, spat at, and even threatened to kill their neighbors are quite deserving of a good pelting. After 97 incidents of very antisocial behavior, Rhondda Cynon Taf Council finally decided enough was enough.

These degenerate psychos were finally evicted. The Monster Family put a new spin on the phrase "neighbors from hell" and really deserve to live by themselves on a rocky planet like Mercury or Mars. They're sure to throw space rocks at each other there.

If they move anywhere near you, you should move. No, don't move, run! Run as fast as you can!

Merthyr magistrates listened to stories of the tenants' behavior and discovered they were making their neighbors ill. An investigation, spanning three years of complaints, which started only a month after the family moved into the RCT Homes-owned house from Bristol in 2010, must have been as thick as a Fyodor Dostoevsky tome.

So instead of throwing a rock at these fools, throw the bound investigative report at them. It must weigh 50 pounds or more and will undoubtedly cause some irreparable damage.

3) CBS Big Brother contestant Spencer Clawson, for joking about child porn on Prime Time cable TV, needs rocks thrown at him. Child pornography is about as "unfunny" as being gassed to death.

"I like to b*** off to child porn. Did I ever tell y'all about that?" he asked fellow Season 15 contestants Andy Herren and Amanda Zuckerman. "Oh, I love it. B***ing off to child porn is my favorite thing there is. I love it when they're around three or four years old. My favorite ones are when you can tell they're filming in a basement somewhere in Minnesota."

Yeah, this Spencer Clawson asshole's about as unfunny and dangerous as a beady eyed dictator, standing at a podium, firing off rounds with a handgun while ranting and raving about genocide. He's really, really unfunny, but a 15-ton rock falling on him might be funny. Let's hope it happens soon (pulling the plug on this lame-assed reality show would suffice even more, however).

This redheaded, red-bearded, redneck asshole has been the center of controversy, too, for praising Hitler as an orator and for making homophobic slurs.

Hey CBS, did you know there are only five people in the world who watch this stupid show? Two are doing long sentences in state prison for hate crimes and three are convicted rapists out on parole.

It's time to pull the plug on this televised catastrophe.

4) The U.S. federal prison system should get a few rocks thrown their way for preferential treatment of some hideous criminals like former Wall Street tycoon Raj Rajaratnam, who reportedly has a balcony and a private bathroom at Federal Medical Center Devens, in Ayer, Mass.

According to the New York Post, Rajaratnam even has some guy named 'Eddie' as his manservant while he's doing federal time. One has to speculate how Raj would feel living in a tent with 1,000 other irritated, hateful, degenerate bunkies at Maricopa County Jail, in 145-degree heat, with nothing to do but throw rocks at one another.

We hope 'Eddie' makes you a nice rock cake this week, Raj, with wet gravel as icing. Rajaratnam was even featured on American Greed, which also spotlighted Bernie Madoff. No petty criminals ever appear on this documentary series.

You've got to really scam - at ultra-atomic levels of some developing nations' GNPs - to get a one-hour spot with Stacy Keach. Enough said. Anyhow, some background: In autumn of 2009, Rajaratnam was arrested by the FBI, accused of conspiring with others who engaged in insider trading of several publicly traded companies.

U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara estimates the scheme involved more than $60 million, the largest hedge-fund insider trading case in U.S. history. His digs certainly went south a bit compared to the good old days, but as a prisoner, Raj Rajaratnam is living like a prissy, petted, prima donna of a jailbird.

5) Florida's "Stand Your Ground" law, George Zimmerman, and the jury that acquitted him are in desperate need of a barrage of rocks.

Trayvon Martin, an unarmed 17-year-old, was killed in his own neighborhood while Zimmerman was on some hokey neighborhood watch campaign. Zimmerman shot skinny little Treyvon through the heart at point-blank range with a 9 mm Kel-Tec semi-automatic pistol. Martin was killed almost instantly.

Stand your ground? Stand your ground against fucking what?!!! Some black kid in a hoodie who's only carrying an energy drink?!!! Come on, this isn't standing any ground, it's cold-blooded murder!!!

Zimmerman had no right even being involved playing The Lone Ranger here. He was looking for trouble and he found it - little Treyvon was the target. Yeah, big man, you couldn't make it as a cop, even as a security goon, so you went out on your stupid, fucking, nut/job, neighborhood-watch gig and killed some little black kid! Rocks, rocks, and even more rocks for the fucking numbskulls on the jury and especially for this diabolical "shoot-em-up" vigilante who slaughtered this innocent child. A scared little boy who was only craving a sugary drink.

This is not funny. It's sad enough to make anyone with a conscience - or even a bit of humanity inside - cry until the tides stop hitting Florida's beaches.

6) Donald Trump, for his role in becoming not only an educator, but creating a university named after himself, has rocks for brains.

This megalomaniac nutcase is now being sued for $40 million by New York State Attorney General Eric Schneiderman for defrauding more than 5,000 people on a national scale by offering expensive seminars in real estate investing.

Taking full advantage of his status as a famous celebrity billionaire, Trump personally appeared in advertisements making promises in an attempt to coerce others to spend tens of thousands of dollars for lessons they never got. "No one, no matter how rich or famous they are, has a right to scam hardworking New Yorkers. Anyone who does should expect to be held accountable," said Schneiderman.

New York's AG, in this civil suit, also accuses "The Donald" of "sell jobs" in which he got folks to pay $1,495 for three-day seminars to show them how they could get access to private financing resources.

Eager wannabes were also informed (for a measly $10,000 to $35,000 each), that they could enlist in a "Trump elite mentorship program" and that "The Donald" would even show up and have his picture taken with them. That never happened - these suckers were instead reportedly photographed standing beside a cardboard placard with a life-sized "The Donald" smiling at the camera.

The ultra-rich egomaniac, born into wealth and privilege, famous for telling celebs on Celebrity Apprentice, "You're fired!" had the unmitigated gall to name this thing "Trump University".

New York's state Education Department declared in 2005 that this rickshaw nightmare of a pedagogical slingfest isn't licensed to be a "university". Consequently, Trump University officially became an asinine asylum called "Trump Entrepreneur Institute" in 2010. We'd like to suggest a coat of arms consisting of only the fry-dyed, reddish-wigged, hairy one's face and rictus, along with a banner screaming "You're Fired!" underneath. And this writer would personally like to strap a rubberband with a worn and crumpled $1 bill attached to a rock and throw it through the fucking window of this educational snakepit.

I'm poor, but I appreciate "The Donald" for being the artful dodger that he is, so my monetary donation will surely be appreciated and noticed. But I won't throw this rock, since Trump Entrepreneur Institute seems to primarily be an Internet scam, like the ones arcane Nigerian princes use to get people to send a $5,000 courier fee to, in order for emailed prey to receive their $22 million fortune.

So instead of throwing this rock at my own PC's monitor, I'd like to scream to "The Donald" YOU'RE FIRED!!! Boy, that felt so good. Want to see my birth certificate, Don? Look at my "The Spoof" icon banner - it's synonymous with free speech in a free America.

7) A good pelting also goes to Kids Wish Network, which according to Anderson Cooper 360 is a rogue charity that financially ensconced an estimated $127 million over the last ten years.

At least 90 percent of this money is reportedly going to professional fundraising entities. Estimations for what was given toward sick and dying children are as low as 3% of the total. Two whistleblowers who appeared on CNN's program complained that photos taken of dying children - "the sicker the better" - were urged by Kids Wish Network organizers to play on the sympathies of donors.

If this bunch of frauds calls you via their telemarketers, throw the phone their way. They've been around since 1997, and that's way too long for this type of scam to go on. There's nothing worse than making tons of money by using dying children as human shields. And there's nothing funny at all about this egregious con - it's about as unfunny as whales being stranded on a beach and slowly dying.

8) Vladimir Putin's regime is getting old and moldy, so what's an Eastern-bloc iron-fist ruler do? He gets even more conservative. Creating homophobic and anti-blasphemy laws is one solution. Adopting a poor orphaned U.S. traitor on the lam is another.

Putin's electoral base is conservative nationalist and ultra-religious. Going after the all-girl rock band Pussy Riot and granting asylum to fugitive U.S. spy agency contractor Edward Snowden is just window-dressing in Putin's overall objective of staying in power.

If dressing like a chicken in a feathered suit while wailing out an opera could get Putin favored by the Russian people, he'd become a singing chicken. Yup, in a heartbeat. And Putin would be heart-attack serious about it all.

You just can't trust any leader who has a predecessor who said something to the effect that "one death is a tragedy, a million's but a statistic." Nope, we will never be able to trust those diabolical dirty Ruskies. There aren't enough rocks on planet Earth to hurl their way.

Well, that's it for now. I feel much better getting all this venom out of my fangs. I'll be writing some more soon. In the meantime, don't get conned or hit by a rock. And don't throw anything at anyone. Not even if they're really slimy. It's not worth it. We're better than that. If someone or somebody is really eating you, open up an account here and write about it.


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: crazy, idiots
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