Written by rfreed

Monday, 1 July 2013

image for Looking at NRA's LaPierre As a Child Explains His Present Day Extremism LaPierre preparing for his brilliant future by shooting his grandmother.

A recent biography of NRA Fuhrer Wayne LaPierre shows light on his character that reveals why he is so rabid on the topic of gun control. The President of Vice of the largest gun organization has been often in the news lately due to his extremist anti-governmental outlook and his opposition to any and all laws on firearms.

The new book entitled 'LaPierre- Assault Mouth', contains the following passages:

Chapter 2, page 32, describes a shrieking 6 year old LaPierre running rampant with a scissors in his hand. His teacher, Maura Tarala, trying to take it from him, suddenly found she had a miniature Tasmanian Devil on her hands.

"Wayne! Put that scissors down right now before you hurt somebody!"

No, I don't have to!"

"Oh, yes you do, little man! I am the teacher!"

"You do not have full Congressional authority to do that! I have my rights!"

"Look here, you little brat. I am the authority here! You will do as I say and put those scissors down!"

"I will not! I don't recognize your authority!"

Chapter 3, page 43, describes the nightmare that occurred when the young Wayne brought a multiple headed slingshot to the bible study camp-out:

"LaPierre! What is that thing you got?"

"Sir, it is a legal device that I have the right to have in my possession!"

"Legal hell! That damn thing will put somebodies eye out! Give that over here!"

"No way, Jose! This is my personal assault weapon in case I get attack by a goon squad of jack booted thugs or foreign invaders who want to take over America"

"You damn idiot! Give me that stupid thing before we have a real bloodbath on our hands."

"Uh, uh! I am allowed by the law of the United States of America to keep an assault weapon in my possession. That falls under the Second Amendment of the Constitution- The Right To Bear Arms."

"In about two seconds I am gonna bare my arms and give you the worst tanning of yer life! Now give it here!"

Chapter 4, page 58 tells of a teenage Lapierre bringing a curved Turkish knife to class to impress the other students.

"LaPierre, would you bring that knife up here right this minute!"

"No, I don't have to!"

"Young man, you will do what I say!"

"No, I won't! I have followers who believe in the rights of Americans to carry knives!"

"I am afraid you aren't quite old enough to be telling your teacher what you will and will not do!

"I have lawyers who say I can!"

"Your lawyers aren't here now, so give it over!"

"You have to get through all the members of my club first, bitch!"

A later chapter mentioned something about his being a serial killer in Memphis Tennessee in the 1980's, but the NRA successfully had it deleted under the Constitutional Rights of the 8th Amendment which prohibits cruel and unusual punishment (we think this means the embarrassment it would have caused him). That is the first and last time the NRA has ever mentioned any other Amendment than the second. Please note, however, that what they did did totally overlook the 1st which concerns the Right of Free Speech and it doesn't seem to bother them.

Another theory of why LaPierre is so vehement is that he was bitten by a rabid bat as a child.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
More by this writer
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Go to top
65 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more