Written by Gee Pee

Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Born of an incestuous union between The Whizzer (aka The Pisser) and his sister, Miss America, the Scarlet Witch (nee Bitch) became the life partner of her brother Pietro ("Quickie") Maximuff until they divorced in 1965, after which the Witch wed the no-count, ne'er-do-well Vision, a member of The Avengers (or maybe he was the Avengers' member; Marvel's historians disagree on the matter).

Her name was changed from Scarlet Bitch to Scarlet Witch when Marvel Comics adopted the self-emasculating requirements of the Comics Code Authority, by which she was regarded as "offensive."

As a product of incest, the Witch developed the ability to "hex" anyone with whom she had sex, putting a pox upon hi or her and his or her houses (please note: we use proper grammar in The Spoof, even if doing so makes a sentence-or even an entire article-suck.)

As octogenarian and founder of Marvel Comics, Stan Lee, so eloquently puts it, "She is not only a carrier of syphilis and gonorrhea in herself but the cause of syphilis and gonorrhea in others as well."

After she and her brother had had their last quickie with one another, going their separate ways, the Witch joined the Avengers, servicing the whole team of superheroes.

She kept a secret diary of the fantasies, fetishes, and sexual appetites of her many lovers, noting, for example, that The Hulk, whom she describes as "incredible!," likes "rough sex"; Captain America prefers "vanilla sex"; Iron Man can "stay hard all night long"; Ant Man's manhood "is teensy-tiny"; The Wasp likes to spank, but only enough to "sting"; and Thor "hammered me so hard one night, I thought I'd died and gone to Valhalla!"

As the ranks of the Avengers' members swelled or fell, she also serviced such colleagues as Hawkeye, The Beast, Wonder Man, Hercules, Tigra, The Sub-Mariner, She-Hulk, Hellcat, and The Black Knight. Eventually, she married The Vision, but never "settled down."

Her diary also describes her impressions of these paramours. "Hawkeye," she writes, "hits the G-sot every time"; "When it comes to sex, the Sub-Mariner's still wet behind the gills"; and "Having sex with She-Hulk made 'Shulkie's' cousin, Bruce Banner, green with envy."

Admittedly "promiscuous," the Witch is "quite a bed-hopper," Stan Lee says.

Not only has she had sex with all the Avengers, new and old, but she has also bedded, or been bedded by, the members of the Defenders and the West Coast Avengers, including The Thing, Angel, Valkyrie, Gargoyle, The Son of Satan, Howard the Duck, The Falcon, and Starman.

In her tell-all diary, she gushes, concerning The Thing, "once you've had orange, you never go back," and she praises The Son of Satan as a "devilish lay." She says she didn't "give a f**k for Howard the Duck," though, declaring "he's a little too fowl for my tastes."

She and her husband have an "open marriage." While the Witch indulges her fetish for group sex, The Vision pursues his own voyeuristic pleasures. "I like to watch," he explains.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Comic Book
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