Written by Matt Birkenhauer

Monday, 24 June 2013

image for With Much Fanfare, the NRA Releases Its Version of the New Testament

The NRA today released its new translation of the New Testament, based heavily on the King James Version. Said NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre of the new translation: "We believe this new version of the New Testament will more accurately reflect the Second Amendment principles the United States and the nation of Israel were founded upon."

What follows is an excerpt from the new translation, called, simply, the NRA Version:

47 And while he yet spake, lo, Judas, one of the twelve, came, and with him a great multitude with swords and staves, from the chief priests and elders of the people.

48 Now he that betrayed him gave them a sign, saying, "Whomsoever I shall kiss, that same is he: hold him fast."

49 And forthwith he came to Jesus, and said, "Hail, master," and kissed him.

50 And Jesus said unto him, "Friend, wherefore art thou come?" Then came they, and laid hands on Jesus and took him.

51 And, behold, one of them which were with Jesus stretched out his hand, and drew his sword, and struck a servant of the high priest's, and smote off his ear.

52 Then said Jesus unto him, "WTF???? Put up again thy sword into its place." Then Jesus reached under his robes and, lo and behold, miraculously brought forth an AR-15 semi-automatic assault rifle.

53 "Thinkest thou that thy puny little sword is going to take out a whole legion of armed thugs? Fuckest that. Here. Goest at 'em!"

54 Simon Peter at that point proceeded to mow down every last one of the Temple Guards, including their wives and children.

55 In that same hour said Jesus to the multitudes, "Like prayer, gun control means using both hands!"

56 All the multitudes at this point scratched their heads, at these mysterious words spoken by the Son of Man. And then ran like hell.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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