Written by Tommy Twinkle

Friday, 22 March 2013

image for Ron and Fred on Quantitative Easing Ron would bring back the Bradbury Pound if he was Prime Minister.

It's another afternoon at The Red Lion pub. Ron and Fred are already into their second pint at 'their' table.

FRED: You gonna be in this evening at 'ome, Ron?
RON: Yeah, avin a night in t'night I am. Why?
FRED: My son's poppin' raand t' see me later so I'll get 'im t' drop your ladder back in 'is car.

RON: No rush, mate.

FRED: Well, I've finished the ceilin' and the walls ov me kitchen now. Still gotta paint the doors but I don't need a ladder f' them, so you might as well av it back seein' as me son's visitin' wiv 'is car.

RON: Nice is it, yer kitchen?
FRED: Yeah, lookin' a lot better than it did. You was right abaat needin' the bigger tin ov blue though. I fort the size ov tin I bought would be enuff. It's only a little kitchen after all. Deceivin', but I could see I wasn't gonna av enuff to finish the second coat so I mixed in some white. Yeah, I just gave it a good stir wiv a spoon. Wall where me clock 'angs looks a slightly lighter blue than the rest but it'll do f' me. Least it's nice n bright.

RON: That was what I used t' do when I was workin' as a self employed painter n decorator years ago, Fred. They used t' say they wanted blue or whatever so I'd talk 'em rahnd to avin a lighter shade of the colour. I'd get a nice big empty tin then stick a little tin ov colour in it and fill it up wiv the cheaper white. Used t' mix it all up in me garden I did then make out I'd bought it new when turning' up wiv the tin ov paint t' start the job. Gotta watch it though n make sure t' stir it up well 'cause uverwise when yer start slappin' it on the wall it goes on all streaky.

FRED: Oh, I gave mine a good ol' stir wiv me spoon.

RON: I'd just use n'old stick when I was doin' it, just some old stick I'd find in me garden, like. Yeah, I made a nice few extra quid wiv that little trick. Its always been cheaper, that white emulsion compared to the colours.

FRED: Still looks nice when it's up dunnit.

RON: 'Course it does.

FRED: I s'pose it's no different to what that twit David Cameron's doin' when yer finks abaat it.

RON: Oh, is 'e avin the kitchen at number ten repainted? Shouldn't fink it's 'im doin' it though, Fred. That'll be top notch painters doin' that. Or Samantha. She looks like the sort who wouldn't mind avin a go wiv a roller or a brush. I s'pose the last lot dun it red so 'e naturally wants t' get it altered t' Tory blue.

FRED: No, what I mean is it's no different to all that quanti'tive easin' the guv'ments doin', that it's no different to addin' lots of white paint to the blue same as me n my kitchen.

RON: Oh, gotcher. Yeah, it's sim'lar I s'pose. Mind you, what the quan'tive easin' is, is more like addin' a pretend blue t' the tin. See, it aint the same quality ov paint they're puttin' out, it's water wiv a little bit ov blue dye in it. They're 'oping people won't notice.

FRED: Watery blue?

RON: Yeah, country can't afford t' fill the tins up wiv more aufentic blue paint Fred, nor any colour, and even the plain white costs money. The money aint there, mate. All the good stuff's goin' t' the banksters. If I was Prime Minister I'd tell em t' take a hike n bring back the Bradbury Pound.

FRED: Terrible innit, especially nah the spring's comin'. Lot's ov people like t' freshen up their rooms wiv a lick ov paint come the spring. I s'pose there'd av t' be so much white mixed in wiv it anyway that yer wouldn't be able to see any blue there once it was on the walls, it'd just look white the same as the ceilin'. Tories wouldn't want t' change their colour to a bright blue anyway. They're very into a darker shade ov blue they are, whereas Labour likes red and the uvver lot likes the sickly yeller.

RON: Mind you, if they were all t' be showin' their true colours the whole bloody lot of em would be red then be mixin' in some big dollops of white.

FRED: I've noticed a lot ov them newsmen on the BBC av been wearing pink ties lately when readin' the news on the telly.

RON: Tryin' t' play wiv people's minds they are, Fred. Promotin' it finkin' the viewers won't suss what they're gettin' up to.

FRED: And the politicians, all seem t' be wearin' pink ties they are. D'yer fink it's t' do wiv the aspartame, Ron?

RON: Wouldn't s'prise me, Fred. Lots of people are wakin' up though, especially since that Savile fing came out. It won't be so easy for em t' get the people t' go over the trenches next time. It'll be 'after you yer slimy piece ov shit' you mark my words.

FRED: Let's 'ope so, Ron. But the young ones don't realise they're bein' used as pawns. That's the trubble, they're too trustin' n fall for the same trick ev'ry generation. Brave but a bit green be'ind the ears. We was the same at their age, brave but green.

RON: Yeah, but we didn't av the internet in those days, Fred. A New World Order's on the way mate and it aint gonna be the bloody sort ov New World Order those politician n bankster bastards are plannin' on aving, they're gonna go the same way as the dinosaurs did, wiv a swift kick up the jacksy to send em on their way. Gits.

FRED: So you reckon there's soon gonna be a shortage ov the white emulsion as well.

RON: Yeah. What they're doin' is a different kind of quan'tive easin', Fred. The watery paint they're issuing is just gonna dilute the currency until people will just be splashing water on their walls.

FRED: Or just one fin watery little coat.

RON: Cameron's keepin' back all the proper paint f' the banksters. Meanwhile we'll all be gettin' the diluted stuff and then later on the banksters will come back wiv the real paint and be chargin' an arm and a leg for it. Same trick they pull ev'ry time it is.

FRED: White paint will cost more as well.

RON: Yep.

FRED: It's not fair, no one minds doin' their bit by mixin' in some white paint t' make the coloured stuff go furver, but watery paint makes paintin' a very messy job. It keeps drippin' dahn all over the floor it does. Makes a right mess t' clean up afterwards.

RON: Makin' a mess ov everyfing is the only fing they know 'ow t' do, Fred.

FRED: But sooner or later people are gonna notice that they're just puttin' water on their walls, Ron.

RON: Austerity, Fred. That's what it boils dahn to. Instead ov people repaintin' their walls wiv paint, Cameron's gettin' ready t' tell everyone that the austerity fing will mean they'll av t' get used t' makin' do wiv just givin' their walls a good wash dahn.

FRED: I'm just glad I did my kitchen when I did. I was gonna leave it for a few mumfs annal.

RON: Ready for anuvver pint, Fred?
FRED: Yes please, I won't say no.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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