Written by CaptainSausage

Not yet published

image for Award winning bad author returns Books: what are they good for? Absolutely nothing.

Following on from her highly successful award-winning novel which won the 2012 Bad Sex Awards, Lobelia Flaps has written a new book, out in shops now.

It is a historical romance novel set in rural England in the 1600s with lashings of racy lesbianism. Called "Love's Bleeding Gums" it is about a female dentist called Aeneid Love who is looking for a husband, but suspects she may be attracted to women.

Here is an excerpt from the first chapter:

Aeneid peered into Agatha's mouth and gazed at her molars. They were well-formed, especially her upper left ones numbered 1-3, her pre-molars numbered 4-5 and 12-13 and her upper right molars numbered 14-16. Her anterior incisors, particularly the lower ones numbered 22 and 27 were not in such good shape, and Aeneid suspected that Agatha had spent a lot of time gnawing on bones or something similar. But in any case, the Universal Dental Tooth Numbering System had not yet been developed, so Aeneid had no way of expressing so accurately the state of Agatha's teeth.

"Curse this primitive pre-modern dentistry," she cursed to herself aloud.

"Is everything ok?" asked Agatha through clenched teeth. However, it was Aeneid who was clenching her teeth, but with a firm but delicate grip, like a repairman might hold open the boot of a car whose spring mechanism was broken, being one of those old vehicles which need a sort of rod to hold it open - the rod also being missing.

"Yes," replied Aeneid. "But do you often gnaw on bones?" She released her hold on Agatha's mouth.

"Yes," replied Agatha. "I do."

"Well don't. It's ruining your teeth," said Aeneid.

Agatha looked glum, like someone suddenly being told her teeth are not perfect, who had previously believed that they might be since she did not own a mirror - a minor point which did not deserve mentioning earlier. I could perhaps have written in the first paragraph 'Agatha did not own a mirror' which would have led most naturally to this plot development where it is discovered that she had previously believed her teeth to be perfect, but instead I think I will leave in this explanation as I can always change it before the novel gets published.

Also Agatha was glum because she liked gnawing bones and didn't want to give it up. Gnawing bones was very common in the 1600s, since most people had to scavenge for food that had been left behind by lions or hyenas.

Upon seeing her disappointment, Aeneid tried to cheer up her patient, saying, "You do have lovely lips though."

Agatha smiled, like a genuinely lesbian film star in an adult film just before the kissing scene is about to commence, not like all those fake lesbian film stars who do all the scenes but you get the sense that their heart isn't really in it.

"Very kissable," said Aeneid, embarrassed, and to her surprise, as she had not noticed Agatha's smile's resemblance to a lesbian film star, since films and lesbians had not yet been invented.

Aeneid's cheeks glowed bright red, like the RGB numerical representation of the colour with hexadecimal values #C76649, or in decimal notation (199, 102, 73).

Agatha felt embarrassed too. She squirmed in the dentists' chair, but it was less to do with her embarrassment than as a result of the splinters and termites that infested the rotten furniture, being as this was the 1600s and therefore it was a very old chair.

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