From what we hear, there are a lot of people out there dealing with the problem of bed bugs. Last week we here at the Lampoon heard a heart breaking story about a 400 pound truck driver who was apparently devoured by an infestation of bed bugs overnight at a Motel in RestonVA.When investigators arrived on the scene all that could be found were the skeletal remains of the man along with 60,252 small knives and forks and a few empty breath mint wrappers left behind by the ravenous little vermin.
Make no mistake about it. They are everywhere and if left un-checked they will eat you alive in the most hideous of ways! We here at the Lampoon know the havoc caused by these blood sucking little bastards and want to help you protect yourself by declaring war on bed bugs and helping you to avoid having to pay outrageous fees for an over priced exterminator.
Some sure signs that you have bed bugs.
You wake up and your king sized mattress is now the size of a pop tart. Bed bugs have humongous appetites and depending on the size and country of origin, especially those from the United States, have been known to devour a king size bed in as little as two hours.
You hear a small bugle blowing out reveille followed by your blanket disappearing as a line of bed bugs standing side by side devour it in unison.
You wake up and notice that you can't close your eye lids because the bed bugs ate them off. Same goes for other missing body parts. If they ate your dick, then kill yourself now as this article will be of no use to you at this point.
First line of defense.
Watch who it is that you are sleeping with. A beautiful blonde that you pick up at the Playboy Mansion probably will not have bed bugs. But considering that 99.9999999 percent of the male population will never set foot anywhere near Hugh's house of love, then in all likely hood you will be facing the following more common and likely situation.
Most of us have at some point have probably hooked up with a partner who is a bed bug smorgasbord. Following a night out on the town at a cheap louse infested bar, you pick up something to mate with, go home for a quick bag over the head ramathon. In the morning after thanking god that the condom did not break, you throw a bone into the ally to lure what you have mated with off of the premises.
Suspecting that you may have infested yourself you splash some aftershave onto your crotch, scream out in pain and hope that you have killed off any lingering microbes that may have been transferred during your transgressions. Feeling the dissipating pain on your nut sack you figure that you're done with it. But not so fast!
It's a known scientific fact that bed bugs drink aftershave for breakfast. Unless you are using Drano laced with sulfuric acid it is highly unlikely that the aftershave method will produce any detrimental effects to the legions of flesh-eating vermin that are now preparing for a full-blown frontal attack on your asshole.
The most likely scenario is that a few days following your encounter with the bed bug factory you slept with you notice that your once king sized bed is now the size of a pop tart because the bed bug eggs deposited during your ramathon session have now hatched and have promptly devoured it to gain strength for the assault on asshole ridge. Another indicator of the forth coming onslaught is that you notice your used undies, used socks and various articles of clothing have been carried off and devoured by multiple divisions of bulked up bed bugs.
The main problem with bed bugs is that once these little fucks decide to make your house their home, it's all out warfare. Forget the over the counter bug killers. Bed bugs are already immune to these useless concoctions and in many cases have been known to hold out their canteens to collect the poison to wash down consumed flesh following a feast on your asshole or ball sack.
But never fear, there are ways to combat them. We here at the Lampoon have talked to top special-forces experts at the Pentagon who informed us that they felt that bed bugs were a serious threat to homeland security and have been researching for years on ways to exterminate them.
After spending billions of dollars on extensive research and laboratory testing, government officials concluded that the best way to combat these ravenous little bastards was to employ the use of biological and chemical weapons including Anthrax, Sarin and other lethal nerve agents. Some at the Pentagon argued that the use of a small nuclear weapon was the best option. Problem is that using these methods to eradicate bed bugs also kills the human host. So like a lot of the other advice given by these government agencies, this information will not help you.
dc Lampoon Comes to the Rescue
Let's say you wake up and find a bed bug nibbling away at your ball sack. Scratching them will just make them angry and they will put out a call out for reinforcement's who will eat you alive by burrowing first into your asshole then eating their way through the rest of your body as you sleep.
Should you notice a ball sack frontal assault, your best option is to light your ball hairs on fire and stab the little fuckers with an ice pick as they run from the flames. Be accurate to avoid stabbing your flaming ball sack with the ice pick. If some of the escaping bed bugs run off your ball sack on fire do not stab them. Let them burn. The smell of burnt bed bug carcass deters other bed bugs from re-infesting the area.
A little hard-core you might be thinking? You better believe it! Don't forget for one second that you're up against a mighty powerful adversary that despite their size can consume an entire human being from the inside out in a few hours. Sure, your ball sack will hurt a little from the second and third degree burns and possible puncture wounds from wayward ice pick stabs, but when all is said and done, it will heal in a few weeks. This method is a sure-fire way, no pun intended to guarantee that your ball sack will be free of bed bugs.
Should the little bastards begin with an all out assault on your asshole, then you're talking about a change in strategy and a slight variation of the blazing ball sack approach.
First, eat a can of Van Camp baked beans and a small pile of Taco Bell tacos. Wait a few hours for the gas build up. With a bic-lighter in hand, Enter the war zone, which in most cases is located in your bedroom, drop your britches and strategically point your ass toward the bed bug encampment, light the lighter, and let it rip. If all goes well, the resulting flame will clear out the infestation on your asshole, while at the same time taking out a few thousand or so bed bugs camped out on your bed as collateral damage.
Beware, this only works with bed bugs that are gnawing away at the outer edges of your asshole. To get to the ones who have already began eating you from the inside out, you will have to use a more invasive approach that involves sticking the lighter up you ass and blowing some butane up you butt before firing off a death fart. This will probably hurt a little, and possibly rupture your rectum, but the resulting explosion will in all probability save your life by killing off the invasion of bed bugs. Once again, do not kill any burning bed bugs that fall out of your asshole. Let them burn as a deterrent to the others.
Another method that can be employed is the gasoline body wash. First siphon off a gallon of gas from your neighbor's car. (We did say that our methods were free and cost-effective.) Then, take off all of your cloths, stand in the shower and pour the gasoline all over your body. Take a bic-lighter, flick it and set yourself on fire. Allow the flames to burn for around five seconds or so and then turn on the water to extinguish the flames and wa-la. You will be rid of any bed bugs that are feasting on you. Once again allow any burning bed bugs falling off of your body to escape back to their encampments to bear witness to the fact that you are one crazy mother fucker that they need to avoid.
Problem is that bed bugs like their human counterparts are unpredictable in their behavior and could take these drastic actions the wrong way. While some will retreat and move on to the next host, others will escalate the assault.
Case in Point
So, a few days after the gasoline wash and burn, you're fast asleep with your body wrapped in gauze only to be awoken by a gnawing sensation on your ding-dong.
You raise the blanket and look down at a total frontal assault on your privates by hundreds of thousands of bed bugs attempting to gain victory by following the rules of engagement of using overwhelming numbers to obtain victory. Should this situation present it's self, then you have encountered a fanatical group of bed bugs who in all probability are being led by a leader who is Genghis Khan re-incarnated as a bed bug. You must act quickly as they will eat your dick faster than Opra chowing down on a hot dog at a Forth of July picnic.
Unfortunately your options at this point are very limited. To thwart this kind of attack and keep your dick intact we suggest that you employ the following strategy. First step is to slow down the attack by getting back in the shower and using the gasoline wash and burn method. Yes we know that this hurts, but trust us it works and you avoid having to pay for costly over the counter creams and ointments that produce lack luster results. The gasoline wash and burn should kill off a lot of them and slow down the attack giving you time to properly retaliate and force a positive outcome in the order of battle.
At this point they have in all likelihood infested every orifice available to them. Since your asshole is probably damaged from previous attempts to dislodge the little bastards you will have to use the ingestion of a substance that will eradicate them from the inside out.
We here at the Lampoon suggest a cocktail of gasoline, Drano and rid shampoo mixed with a little milk to settle your stomach. Here is where things get tricky. You must consume just enough of this concoction to kill off the blood thirsty vermin without killing yourself in the process and for gods sake stay away from any open flames.
Following the consumption of this concoction, sit back and relax for a while. A few hours later the bed bugs inside your asshole should begin climbing out to escape the deadly wash. As for your frontal orifice, the urinary tract, there is one more step that must be performed to eradicate these vermin forever. Unfortunately it involves the use of a bic-lighter. Standing in front of the infested area, whip out your dick light up your bic-lighter and pee into the flame. The gasoline which you ingested should produce a spectacular flame thrower which should allow you to light up the infected area of your bedroom, while at the same time clearing out any lingering bed bugs from your urinary tract. Caution needs to be used in applying enough pressure to keep the flame from backing up into you wiener causing a back blast which could possibly back up and explode your bladder.
If all goes well you will find that you have successfully defeated the bedbugs by eliminating them from your body and destroying the remaining forces by torching the infested areas of your bedroom. One last important step is to call 911 to alert the fire department of the raging fire consuming your bedroom. It's probably a good idea to wait till the bathroom burns so to destroy any evidence of the gasoline showers.
Bottom line is, avoid bed bugs by sleeping with Playboy Bunnies!
Footnote; dc Lampoon assumes no liability for offering this great advice. Do so at your own risk!
dcLampoon National Affairs Desk