Once upon a time on a hellishly overcrowded, soul destroying, sunless, miserable crime and debt ridden island inhabited by millions of apathetic and generally poverty stricken people, henceforth known as E, there lived a gluttonous rich Royal Family headed by an aged harridan, henceforth known as L and her equally aged husband henceforth known as P, or 'the Greek' to those in the know.
As if living conditions were not bad enough E was mis-governed by two non-related imbeciles, henceforth known as D & N who regularly took it in turns to play at Prime Minister while continuing to screw the fucking country into total oblivion!
In order to keep the apathetic population reasonably animated D & N had long since worked out an 'entertainment package' with L in order to keep the docile masses from revolting, even if many of them actually were to begin with!
During her reign of 2012, L ably assisted by numerous sycophants in the entertainment business and seemingly endless brain numbing reality and soap operas, which are daily churned out on TV to keep the masses pre-occupied after a hard day at work or stress related eight hours plus at local job centres and benefit departments.
Thus, periodic 'special amusements' were arranged to ensure that the masses might venture out from their living rooms into the freezing, but fresh air, in order to recharge their dying brain cells for a few hours. This year alone saw the Royal Boat fest which had excelled in the extreme, resulting in millions of wannabe serfs frantically waving 'Chinese' made Union E's at L and P the Greek as they floated down the river waving maniacally at the peasants while sipping on the finest wines and spirits.
Then, a few months later an Olympiad was arranged wherein the masses could rejoice in being colour-blinded by bright Union E flags and endless reported bullshit about how great E really was until they each and every one believed it.
Meanwhile, both D & N also rejoiced in this patriotic fervour and continued to beaver away with their nefarious plans safe in the knowledge that the populace was otherwise pre-occupied in a welter of mass phony patriotism, but alas, such euphoria was not to last and soon apathy once again descended across the poverty stricken land as a Dickensian Christmas approached!
Wary that his days might well be numbered D went cap in hand to L while N held the fort for a few hours in order to seek out new ways of re-animating public enthusiasm, mindful that L had a couple of grandsons, well one and a bastard, D was bold enough to ask L a big favour.
Could she, he pleaded, forelock tugging like a professional masturbater, could she please request of married son one, henceforth known as W, to get his Royal chopper out and knock up his skinny spouse, henceforth known as K, thus inducing a Royal pregnancy announcement in time for Christmas?
Needless to say, L was up for it-as well she has been for years with numerous footmen-and duly summoned W to her chambers in order to teach him the belated facts of life, by way of the Greeks DVD porno collection. Duly aroused in the extreme W rushed off to find K in order to give her his Royal seal of approval, providing she was not out shopping with her nubile sister, henceforth known as PP.
The dirty deed well and truly done, in every sense of the word, a Royal utterance has been made to the masses that yes, indeed K is well and truly up the spout and currently spewing up bucket loads of quality chardonnay in some flash hospital with a view to 'hatching' the offspring around June 2013.
However, by sheer oversight L, D and P the Greek have only just realised that they have overlooked H, the latter being the ginger bastard grandson and generally considered a randy little toerag in every sense of the word! Despite the current euphoria surrounding K being pregnant many members of the Royal household believe W has been firing blanks for years, whereas H is known to have a rapid fire killing machine between his legs and a permanent erection every time K and PP come near him!
Thus numerous hush-hush plans are hastily being put into place should the worst case scenario manifest at delivery time and K produce a carrot top.
A leaked memo from L and P the Greek to MI66 suggests that one such plan involves a crack team of professional hairdressers from Tony & Guys flagship salon to be on hand with copious sachets of L'oreal colourants, notably blond...because the royal brat is worth it....if a ginger!
Meanwhile, P the Greek has been seen in the Royal crapper thumbing through a very dog-eared European AA Road Atlas looking for suitable remote Alpine tunnels should he need to send W and K on a little 'holiday' after the royal offspring is born and all else fails!!
At time of going to press H and PP are locked away in the guest room playing Doctors and randy Polish nurses and have requested they not be disturbed until June 2013
"MERRY FECKIN' CHRISTMAS!"