Tuesday, 20 November 2012

image for My life as a man #30 Republican women I screwed back in the day when anyone wanted to screw them, that is.

It's all about having fun until somebody loses an eye!

I wrote a few days back that I'd lived through every Presidential election since Dwight Eisenhower's in 1951. Granted, I was not aware of anything more than my momma's nipple and my shitty diapers for that first election; but by the time Ike's successor John F. Kennedy ran in 1959, I'd heard all about Republicans and Democrats. My dad was a union shop steward and pro-Kennedy all the way (even though he knew Kennedy was a Godless "Catlick!").

Frankly, I grew up a pro- business Republican in a pro-labor Democratic household. Back then, I believed Republicans had vision, that their party platform meant more jobs because free enterprise made it possible.

Then came the Vietnam War, in which I played a small role, and I started to realize that free market capitalism also meant freewheeling defense industry spending, but by God, I'd seen godless commie pinkoes in action and I was determined to stay the Republican course; and I by God did, too.

And it was fun while it lasted, all those political campaigns (all those hot, rich Republican chicks I screwed).

But then, someone lost an eye, right around the defeat of George Herbert Walker Bush.

It was the Republican Party that lost its vision. Once content to remain inside the boardroom and outside our bedrooms, the Republican Party started aligning itself with the God-firster, science-hating, chicken screwing, prostitute-picture-taking Jimmy Swaggart-assholing, child-porning, Evangelicals, and all hell broke out!

Literally… In God's name.

What in the fuck happened to moderates in the Republican Party? Guys like Nelson Rockefeller who were fiscal conservatives and social liberals, I mean? Where did they go?

I mean, I got Ronald Reagan and Trickle-down economics (which didn't work). But Ronnie's big thing was scaring commies shitless, so I let him slide on economics, and also the fact that he sold arms to Iran, which got sold to the Contras, that ended up in the hands of narco-terrorists, who killed our drug enforcement agents.

Such is life, but dammit, Ronnie had vision. He knew ketchup was one of the food groups; he made sure it was on the school menu (if little else was).

I'm sorry, but the party me and Alex Keaton grew up loving because money is so cool, and where Young Republican chicks fucked like rabbits, became the party of women no one wants to fuck anymore (apparently, not even their husbands).

Like my momma said, "It's all about fun until someone loses an eye.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
More by this writer
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Go to top
45 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more