Written by armfeetandtoe

Monday, 19 November 2012


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image for The Man that invented the wheel Angle comes face to face with the beast

Angle Welt was an ordinary man he ruled his cave and the big boulder outside the entrance
With a fist of wood, yet something eluded him. Try as he might, he could not think what it was.

One morning while sitting outside the cave scraping his nuts, he noticed a Dung Beetle rolling a huge Richard along the path. This he thought, was a message from whatever thing it was that made the green stuff and terrified the wife and kids with those fucking great meat eating monsters that pounded the shit out of the ground and left huge puddles of piss everywhere.

That night, while lying under the bear skin, he had an epiphany. Being a Mesoamerican man he thought he had had a nightmare or one of his headaches. However, in the morning, he went in search of the Dung Beetle and sure enough, there it was, rolling a huge turd along the path. Why the fuck would you want to collect shit? Angle asked himself. It came to him, that just maybe, the Dung Beetle was telling him something profound but he could not hear it.

However, he could hear the loud heavy breathing coming from the nostrils of one of those big bastards that were determined to make him and his kind extinct. Turning slowly, Angle came face to face with a Tearyourlegoff, one of the most feared of all animals in the world at that time. Within seconds, the beast struck, the screams and howls could be heard throughout the land, rivers of blood flowed as the savagery continued.

When Angle had finished beating the crap out the deluded monster, he called the tribe to let them know he had a Takeaway for them to collect. No more fucking beans for at least a week.

Exhausted, Angle made himself a snug little bed in a tree and decided to have a kip (sleep).
While in the land of nod, an apparition came to him and told him he must seek the Dun Lop Mountain where he would find the answers to his search for the answer to his nagging question re the Beetle.

Angle woke in the early hours and saw that those greedy bastards from the tribe had eaten all the spare ribs and made off with the remainder of the beast. No fear, he would eat berries and continue on his journey to the Mountain what the apparition had said about re the Beetle and something to do with a Dun Lop that would ask him questions about a whatever. Fuck me Angle thought, these Cracked Coke Berries really do give me a buzz.

Onwards and upwards, Angle eventually found the mountain it had been relatively easy it was the only mountain in that part of the world. Angle began to climb, half way up he came across an elderly gentleman sitting cross legged on a pole. He also had crossed eyes and a distinct look of discomfort on his face. "Can I help you" Angle asked.

"Yes" replied the old man, "take this fucking pole out of my arse"

Angle obliged and seated the now smiling elder on the ground. "Who are you?" he enquired.

"I am Radial the Rapid" replied the crinkly old duffer.

"Are you the one that will reveal the mysterious secrets to me" Angle asked.

"No, that is my big headed know all fucking brother who decided to build a house on top of the mountain knowing full well I had angina and a touch of the farmer Giles" (Piles)

"Shall I continue my walk up the mountain of destiny and ask for an audience" Angle probed.

"No mate" replied the wrinkly one "he's on holiday".

"What do I do then?" Angle pleaded.

"Look, this thing you seek is the shape of the sun, but it is hollow, it can be used to make your life progress and ease the burden of the things you carry. It can be big or small depending on the warrant of your cargo and can be attached to many things that need to move with speed. Now go, and on your way home, gather the materials you need to make such an apparatus".

"Blimey, it has all become clear, what do I owe you old man" answered Angle.

"There's a jar of olive lubricant over there"…………..

Even though he now walked like a Spanish coach driver after an eighteen hour shift, Angle had a spring in his step he also had a stone in his foot, so he hopped foot it back to the jungle. On the way, he realised what the whole saga had been about, and he was going to immortalise his people in annuls of history with his new invention. Grabbing vine and timber as he walked, Angle determined to create the invention and showcase it before the tribe.

The next morning, Angle summoned the tribe to the bit of land that was not covered in monster piss and began his diatribe about the spiritual journey he had endured.
Maude, his wife, threw a sizable rock at his nugget with the missive; "Get on with it you div".

Angle had prepared the ground he had also prepared the unveiling. A huge bear skin covered the monumental, epic invention. With a delft movement of the hand, the historic piece was unveiled.

The tribe looked at each other, they looked at Angle. They then ran screaming in the direction of away. Mrs Angle threw another stone that bounced off the boulder and felled Angle where he stood.

At his wake, the tribe thanked him for giving them a seat that could be used for sitting on when having a pony (Crap) without the risk of getting the bum nipped by a snake or spider.

Meanwhile, in a land that would be known as Rome, a bloke modified the toilet seat………

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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