Written by dalepetrie

Monday, 5 January 2004

image for God's Corner This Week in God's Corner

Hi all, God here again. So, another big week up here in Heaven as always. First thing of course, I want everyone to know, that earthquake in Iran, I had absolutely nothing to do with that. You can blame that on the new guy…Kenny. He’s kind of a dumb ass but you know, you have to give them some responsibility from time to time if you ever want them to learn. So, I’m breaking in the new batch of virgins (if you know what I’m sayin’), and I figure I’ve got this real no-brainer…I send Kenny to push the button to give Cheney another little heart tremor. I figure the worst that can happen is he cranks the juice a little too high and Cheney kicks off, no biggie.

So, twenty minutes later, Kenny comes in, crying like a little bitch. He’s sweating and trembling and I can tell he’s got something he’s afraid to tell me. After about five times of my asking him to fess up (and my threatening to smite him with a plague of locusts up his ass), he comes out with it. He hangs his head, and tells me, “I think I pushed the wrong button, boss.” Still he won’t tell me what’s going on, finally with his tail between his legs (literally, I gave him a tail just for shits and giggles, and of course to remind him who's in charge), he tells me about Iran. But I'm feeling pretty generous…new batches of virgins will do that to ya, so I just put him on toilet cleaning detail for a couple million years (not huge punishment for up here…time’s kind of meaningless in Heaven as I guess you can imagine).

Anyway, I figure I need a vacation, but I gotta get a new travel agent. I think she must be getting a good commission on travel to Earth, she keeps pushing Earth on me and I’m just not interested in going back to that Hellhole. I mean, last time I went there was about 2,000 years ago, and they’re still accusing me of knocking up some Jewish chick. So, instead I’m heading to this really nice planet…not too hot or cold, not too humid or dry, and the best thing, no damn people. People just get on my nerves sometimes, especially those Earth people. I swear to Me, I’m about to unleash the big plague if things get much worse. Biggest problem is I haven’t yet found a pathogen that will just attack Republicans. I’m working on it though, so keep your fingers crossed.

Well, I suppose I have more important things I should be doing than writing an article for The Spoof, but I enjoy this, and even God has to blow off a little steam now and then. You gotta have some fun and you need a sense of humor, I mean c’mon, do you think Californians really wanted Arnold Schwarzenegger as their leader? American politics are a never ending source of amusement for me, of course you know I had nothing to do with Bush getting in, Gore won just like I knew he would, but I didn’t count on Bush being smart enough to know how to cheat like that. But I figure it brings the planet one step closer to Armageddon, so I didn’t put a pox on him like I wanted to…man that arrogant little prick with his lip curl really deserves a world of hurt, but don’t worry, I’ve got big plans for him. So, I’ll give it up for now and get some real work done I guess. Until next time, that’s what’s going on in God’s Corner.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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