Written by sylvia kronstadt

Sunday, 9 September 2012


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Thank god, bladder incontinence has become trendy. It's about time!

Elderly Girl inspired billions of people to regard elderliness as alluring, sassy and brilliant. Now, hundreds of profit-mad companies have succumbed to her voluptuous wisdom by creating products that have turned 80-year-olds into the new hip-hop generation.

She has urged the Obama Administration to award the Medal of Freedom to Depends adult diapers (the Freedom to pee any time, anywhere), pictured above with the ever-desperate "celebrity," Lisa Renna, and her gang of leaking jocks. This dear corporation has reminded us that peeing our pants can be as much fun as it was when we were little babies. It has taught us that getting old is kind of like getting young (which Elderly Girl already told you, months ago). And it has shown us that the great entrepreneurial spirit can dream up all sorts of products that will make the aging process the hippest, most fashionable and most liberating time of our lives.

Anyway, toilets are such a bore. And they're never there when you need one.

Last year, the awesomely compassionate masterminds at Depends created an array of stylish colors and patterns for their product. At last, those enduring the heartbreak of incontinence could stride with pride -- as the very attractive, smartly dressed woman in the TV ad did -- tossing her glossy hair in the breeze and smiling at all the male attention her confidence was eliciting. Little did those "come hither" guys know that her bladder was letting loose at that very moment.

Elderly Girl has persuaded Depends to develop a thong version. It's not quite adequate yet, guys. Let's try it in black, or perhaps a nice herringbone pattern.


Getting old used to be such a drab, gray, smelly process, but Elderly Girl put pressure on the highest authorities, and things are looking up -- very up -- for those of us on the cusp of senior-citizen status.

If you're not incontinent, you're probably constipated, but even that little affliction has been given a surge of youthiness. A recent ad campaign for Metamucil -- the psyllium-husk laxative -- depicted it as a virtual fashion must-have, with "a bright new look." The ads featured cool models wearing clothes that match Metamucil's "hip flavors," and implied that the models' nice flat tummies were the result of some very excellent bowel action, courtesy of the product at hand. They were literally leaping with the pleasure of that cleaned-out feeling, thanks to a product that has begun touting its ability to help you ward off "age-related conditions."

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Not so long ago -- like yesterday -- people wanted hearing aids that were as close to invisible as possible. But after some creative input from Elderly Girl (who studied at the Parson School of Design and the Sorbonne), these devices are being made to look so fantastically "with it" that you might want to get a pair even if your hearing is fine. One hearing aid described by the New York Times, "looks more like an earring. Its tiny triangular body comes in exuberant colors like sunset orange, racing green or cabernet red; a slender wisp of wire uncoils gracefully from the body to an earpod no bigger than a teardrop."

Does this not ease your anxieties a bit about hearing loss? Now you can look forward to embracing a new, sleek and almost futuristic image. You'll feel like a babe in "StarTrek." Buy a stretchy iridescent jumpsuit to complete your ensemble, and challenge the world to regard you as old.

There are other saucy new hearing aids that are more "out there," virtually indistinguishable from the Bluetooth earphones or the Antares MP3 player. Some look like ultramodern jewelry. They will give such a boost to your self image, you might not even want to turn them on. Being inundated with the ambient noise of everyday life is a way-overrated perk of being alive. It's just a distraction from the fabulous insights and analyses that are bubbling to the surface inside your ever-beautiful head.


Being in a wheelchair is no longer anything to be depressed about, with the advent of the "Jazzy Power Chair." Elderly Girl has been whizzing around in one for years, hoping someone would get her on "America's Funniest Home Videos," which could generate some easy money just for being old and wacko.

This groovy machine enables you to scoot and maneuver around like a toddler with a new toy, and you can choose from a line of "Pride" accessories to go with it, including jaunty caps, T-shirts and a pennant flag that proclaims your seated swagger at owning this magnificent $10,000 beast. Another great benefit of being a bit older is that this motorized throne can be had "at little or no cost to you," thanks to Medicare. Think of all the envious stares you'll get as you zoom past those who still have to walk from place to place.

Don't feel bad, though, if you are still ambulatory. Exquisite and flashy new walking canes are available to bring a little cavalier pep to your step.

You can buy an exact replica of the flame-entwined cane used by Dr. Gregory House on the Fox TV hit. There are royalty canes with skulls and dragons, swords and warriors. There are songbird canes, diamond-cut crystal canes and canes made from rare woods and genuine animal horns. Some have embedded rhinestones! Most desirable of all is the legendary bull penis cane, from FashionableCanes.com.


"It is the most unique of all walking canes," the site declares. 'A great gift idea for any cane collector, these walking canes are constructed of real bull organs, fully sterilized and prepared by a professional taxidermist. The durable metal rod down the center of the penis cane ensures its longevity and reinforces its sturdy nature."

If Elderly Girl weren't a vegan, she would simply have to have this bull-penis thing. People come up with the most magnificent product concepts, but if they require animal mistreatment or slaughter, she will have nothing to do with them, and if she's having her coveted "time of the month," she might even have unkind thoughts about entrepreneurial penises.

Women can choose from floral patterns, tea-party, New Age and antique canes, among others. Apparently no cow uteruses were harmed in the making of these canes.

"Whether you need a women's cane for medical reasons or you are just looking for the perfect accent to that distinguished outfit, don't settle for any drab old walking stick," the site advises.

And for those who have declined a bit past the cane stage, a sprightly new array of designer walkers is available in colors and prints to complement your every ensemble. One surely hopes that they will eventually install a little music player that will put a rock 'n' roll rhythm into your moves.


Elderly Girl feels certain that some enterprising and progressive fashion icon will design a colostomy bag that is so beautifully crafted and reflects such joie de vivre that it will be worn proudly on the hip as a true style accessory. No more "down in the dump" moods for our friends who have been forced to part with a section of their colons.


And it can't be long before a special line of colognes is formulated to mask that "old person smell" that some very dear people apparently can't help dispersing. Is it that we get a little tired of bathing daily when we've been doing it decade after decade? It certainly can lose its appeal, can't it? Or maybe we begin the rotting process while we're still alive -- who knows? Anyway, a splash of something that screams "undead" could become a marketing sensation as Mother's Day and Father's Day creep up on us, it seems like every few weeks.

Elderly Girl also predicts that all this cosmetic-surgery madness will screech to a near-halt within the next few years. Just as African-Americans embraced the "N" word among themselves, and gay people began throwing around the dreaded "Q" word, older people will rise up into a backlash against the grotesque brutality of facelifts and grow to honor the "W" word.


A "Wrinkle Pride" movement will emerge. Yanked up, tightened skin will be released with a few snips and old people will regard their old faces as badges of honor and perseverance. For those of us who can't seem to get any wrinkles -- maybe because we're so dead inside that we never laugh or frown -- the company that produces Lee's Press-on Nails will develop a line of press-on wrinkles. These will enable us not only to look age-appropriate but also to match our daily wrinkles with our mood, much as Facebook pages include a mood-status icon.

With all the "pride" stuff that is a coming-of-age phase for every disadvantaged or oppressed group, there's sure to be a movement by those with Alzheimer's, if they can just get it together. "It's cool to be out of it -- why would I want to live in YOUR reality?" Some provocative points -- and profits -- could be made with a line of T-shirts that glamorize catatonia. Neverland never seemed so good until Boomers discovered it. Pretty soon, it will be the most "in" destination on the planet.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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