Written by Tommy Twinkle

Sunday, 2 September 2012

image for Ron & Fred At The Seaside (Part Two) 'Cheese sandwich sighted at eight o'clock, over!'

"No I bloody aint ad enuff. We've only bin sittin' 'ere fer five minutes. I wanna take in the view prop'ly, get some ov this ozone inside me lungs."

"Ron, I'm COLD.... and the rain's comin' dahn 'eavier now."

"Dive in me bag there, there's a little umbrella in there yer can use."

"I'll fly off like Mary Poppins if I try openin' umbrella in this wind. Water gets in through the stitches wiv this raincoat as well."

"Oh stop moanin', little bit of wind n rain never 'urt anyone."

"Well I aint stayin' 'ere much longer. Catch bloomin' pneumonia standin' out in this.... I saw a pub sign when we was walkin' along by the sea wall earlier. Back over there it was. I'm gonna go n see if they're open yet. Comin?"

"Yer don't mean The Old Anchor Inn do yer?"

"That's the one, yeah. Be nice n warm in there."

"You'll av a bloody long wait for The Anchor to open, sign on the door says closed till next Easter mate. Season's over now y'see. Once that August bank 'olidee was out ov the way last week all the shutters go up."

"So where's the nearest pub that'll be open then?"

"Might be one or two in the town I s'pose. Bus ride though."

"Oh charmin', not even a pub t' dry off in fer miles. Come on then, you'll av t' show me the way 'cause I'm lost in this place."

"Give 's fifteen more minutes."

"No, it's chuckin' it dahn now. Five more minutes."


"No more than ten. I mean it Ron, I'm bloody freezin'...and I'm gettin' wet. I can feel the water seepin' inter me pockets now... nine minutes left."

"Give over, a minute aint gone by yet, more like twenty seconds."

"I'm gonna set ten minutes wiv me alarm clock."

"Alarm clock? We're only on a day outin' t' Canvey fer gawds sake. Why yer brought yer alarm clock wiv yer?"

"I fort we might fall asleep on the beach after a few beers n miss the coach 'ome."

"Nah, I don't fancy goin' dahn there on that beach t'day Fred, them big waves are only a few yards out."

"Canvey's got a massive sandy beach you told me. And you also told me in the pub yes'dee that the wevver forecast on the telly was 'ot n sunny for t'day."

"Well, they're unreliable them BBC wevver forecasts aint they."

"So where's this massive sandy beach then?"

"Tides in."

"Not accordin' t' that placard up there. Accordin' to the times on that placard the tide should now be OUT!"

"Strong wind blowin' in so it's stoppin' the sea from movin' out far t'day."

"Rubbish. That beach dahn there is abaht five yards wide if that."

"Well, fings look bigger when yerra kid don't they. Seemed massive when I was a kid."

"Where's it gone, I can't find me alarm clock in me bag. I bet I've left it on me table at 'ome. Sod it."

"What's that you just pulled out?"

"No, they're me binoculars. Birfday present from me son they were, so I'd be able t' look at the birds in me back garden."

"Let's av a peep through 'em Fred, see if I can read the name ov that tanker out there."

"Don't break 'em. I fort I might see a few unusual birds on n island. All I've seen 'ere so far is loads ov seagulls."

"I won't break 'em. Come on, if yer let me spend a cuppla minutes lookin' through 'em then we can pack up n get a bus inter town. Nice warm pub where yer can dry off. You brought anyfing to eat in that bag?"

"Cheese sandwiches n sausage rolls."

"Give 's up a sandwich will yer, I didn't bring anyfing meself....and a sausage roll."

"Y'd better eat 'em quick before the rain makes 'em all soggy, e r, don't drop me bins."

"Cheers, no I don't need the case, yer can av the case back. Don't drop it 'cause yer might break it."

"Just 'urry up. I'm gonna frow a few bits ov cheese sandwich t' the seagulls."

"...........I can see the seagulls very clear wiv these bins."

"They're only five yards away."

"Clear though.... but where's that tanker....... can't see it.... Must've sunk."

"I can see it wivout any bins. Turn the little wheel on top of 'em."

"Why, what's that do?"


"Oh .... oh yeah... yeah. Oh yes, I can see it now. Still can't make out any name on it though... Oops, drop ov rain just went on the lens, I'll av t' wipe it off wiv me finger...... no, that didn't feel like a raindrop..... Cor, it does look ruff out there Fred, makes yer feel seasick just lookin' at it.... I can see anuvver little ship in the distance be'ind that tanker, just a faint greyey blur way out there..... these are good these are Fred....."

"Let's av a look frew 'em then."

"In a minute.... I fort you wanted t' go to a pub anyway."

"I do, but I might as well take a quick look frew me bins seein' as I'm 'ere. Come on, 'and 'em over..... No, you're not avin anuvver cheese sandwich."

"I aint asked fer anuvver one."

"Not you, the seagulls."

"Oh, the seagulls."

"Come on, 'and over me bins."

"In A MINUTE I said....... Up n dahn, up n dahn them waves a' goin out there Fred.......... little bits ov lightnin' I can see out there ev'ry few seconds as well... up n dahn, up n dahn...... up n, OY-OY, oh no! Good grief no.... Oh no, oh, please God no..."

"What? What is it Ron?"

( to be continued... )

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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