Written by Tommy Twinkle

Sunday, 2 September 2012

image for Ron & Fred At The Seaside (Part Three) Aerial view of Canvey Island.

"Someone's fallen overboard from that tanker, Fred. I can see 'is 'ead bobbin' up n dahn in the sea way out there."

"Yeah, likely story. Must av slipped off the deck 'cause ov all the oil on it I s'pose."

"Straight up Fred, I aint jokin'. I'm tellin' yer there's someone out there in the water. Poor bloke, (SHOUTS OUT TO SEA) 'ANG ON MATE, I'VE SEEN YER. 'ELPS ON THE WAY MATE."

"Well if the geezer's a long way out 'e aint gonna 'ear yer shoutin' out to 'im from 'ere. What can we do anyway?"

"Get a lifebelt or somefing n frow it out to 'im, Fred."

"I fort you said the geezer's a long way out."

"The man's just fallen off that bloody tanker, ov course e's a long way out."

"Well I'd need bloody strong arms t' frow a lifebelt out to 'im then. P'raps 'e can swim two miles nearer t' shore t' grab it, abaht five yards from the beach. In fact against this wind it'll prob'y end up comin' back dahn be'ind me on the grass!"

"Sorry, I aint finkin' straight. We'll av t' phone the police then, or the coastguard or whatever."

"We aint got a phone."

"Ask someone t' use their mobile, most people carry a mobile arahnd wiv 'em these days."

"We're the only two 'ere, the place is deserted."

"Fred, stand up on the sea wall n start wavin' yer arms abaht."


"To try to attract the attention of someone on that tanker."

"They aint gonna be lookin' over 'ere."

"They will. Bound t' be taking a final look at Canvey before they 'ead out t' sea aint they."

"Oh don't be so stupid. Anyway, even if they was t' see me wavin' me arms abaht they'd just fink I'm some nutter. Some old nutty twit standin' on a sea wall in the wind n rain wavin' 'is arms abaht. That's what they'd fink I am, a nutter."

"I've got 'ankie in me pocket.... Fred, can you do semaphore?"

"No, I bloody can't. Can you?"

"No. That's why I was askin' if you can."

"Well I can't. I don't know the first fing abaht semaphore. I don't even know 'ow t' Morris dance."

"Well we've gotta do somefing. I don't fink they've realised on the tanker 'cause it ain't turnin' rahnd t' come back n winch 'im up..... Fred, I just remembered, there's a phone near that pub what's closed. Run there n phone the police."


"Well, walk fast then. Take a short cut across the field."

"He's prob'ly just someone out there avin a swim."

"No, the geezers fallen overboard, no one in their right mind would be swimmin' out there in this wevver."

"David Walliams?"

"Yeah, I adn't fort ov 'im. We can't take the chance though."

"Let me av a look frew them binoculars. I bet it is 'im."

"There aint no time t' waste Fred. Get goin', please."

"They're my binoculars, 'and 'em over."

"If I lose sight ov 'im now I might not be able to find 'is bobbin' 'ead again. Go n phone the police Fred, there's a man drowning out there."

"Oh, alright ... but I'll do you if it turns out t' be David Walliams just avin a swim."

"It aint 'im, Fred. Go on, 'urry up, please. Cut across the grass."

"I'm gonna get me feet wet now as well walkin' across wet grass, the water'll get in frew the eyelets ov these shoes."


"Oh alright, I'm goin', keep yer 'air on."

( Ten minutes later, Fred's back. )

"They're on their way. Coastguard and air sea rescue bin informed."

"I 'ope they don't take long gettin' 'ere, geezer's dun bloody well to av stayed afloat this long. Poor man must be so cold and wet."

"I'm bloody cold an wet as well!"

"Not as wet as that poor geezer out there."

"No, well, s'pose not... I fink I can 'ear 'elicopter."

"Good, and I can see a couple ov police boats 'eading out there as well, and a lifeboat."

"Here comes the 'elicopter over our 'eads now. Soon av 'im winched up Ron."

"Let's just 'ope it aint Prince William flyin' it, poor geezer out there's ad enuff bad luck for one day.... My arms are aching 'olding these biniculars up to me eyes for all that time."

"Let's av a look then. There's nuffing more you can do now anyway."

"Yeah, you're right, it's all dahn t' the rescue people now. Lucky you brought these bins though. There yer go mate, put 'em back safe in there case."

"I wanna take a look frew 'em first........ so where is this fella then, where am I supposed to be lookin' exactly?"

"Abaht three football pitch lemfs on the right of that big black cloud."

"I can't see anyone in the water there Ron."

"To the right ov that big black cloud."

"That's where I'm lookin'. Is 'e on the right or left side of that buoy way out there?"

"What buoy???"

( - END - )

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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