Written by Tommy Twinkle

Sunday, 22 July 2012

image for Ron Tyler, Expert Tiler! Shower wall. - Job finished!

"You took your time gettin' those in Ron, I'm bleedin' gaspin' 'ere I am."

"Barman 'ad t' change the barrel. There yer go Fred, get that one dahn yer mate. This is when it 'urts, sittin' back dahn. It aint too bad standin' or once I've sat dahn like, but that first bit ov bendin', that's when it's murder. Fink I'll 'ave to pop in t' that chemists along the road n' get meself a tube ov Raljex on me way 'ome Fred. Bloody tilin'."

"Fort you'd finished that tiling job in yer kitchin weeks ago."

"Yeah I did. No, I did me back in yes'dee morning' doin' a little tilin' job dahn in London."

"What, fer money?"

"Well I aint gonna do it fer nuffink Fred, specially fer the likes o' them sort. Yeah, little tilin' job dahn at Kensington Palace it was."

"Tilin' job? At Kenzeeton Palace? Who d'you know there then? Who was that for then?"

"That Kate whatsername, the one who married that soppy prince while back. Little tilin' job at a new 'partment they've got there it was."
"Your kiddin', Prince William and THAT Kate?"
"That's them, yeah."
"Nah, you're pullin' me leg. Wajju take me for?"
"No, straight up Fred. Read in the papers while back I did 'ow they was gonna move in t' some rooms there, so when Dave did me cards I fort I might as well post one off to 'em like."
"Cards? What cards?"
"Got one in me shirt pocket 'ere as it 'appens. There yer go Fred, take a butchers at that..... Nice innit, all gold letters n' that."

"But you aint no expert tiler Ron. When you was doin' your kitchin you told me that was first time you'd ever tried your 'ands at tilin'."

"Yeah, it was."
"But it says 'ere on this card, 'Ron Tyler, Expert Tiler'. And since when was your surname Tyler? Your name's Ron Smith, not Ron Tyler."

"Made a nice enuff job ov my kitchin so I did. S'prised meself t' tell the trufe."

"But that don't suddenly make you t' be an expert tiler Ron. And what's this Tyler name all abaht?"

"Oh, David my nephew's idea that was. Dave said 'ow it rhymes wiv tiler. Has a nice sorta ring to it like."

"Ron Tyler, Expert Tiler. Any tiling job be it big or small, don't be shy, just give Ron a call, phone bla bla, your number."

"Good innit."
"Oh yeah, a very nice bizniss card that is Ron. Very professional lookin' card that is. What, so your tellin' me you've dun a tilin' job at Kenzeeton Palace at Prince William's place and you've bin paid?"

"Yeah, all dun n dusted mate."

"So what 'appened after you sent off one ov these 'ere cards then?"
"Not a dickie bird till Wednesdee evenin' Fred. I was sittin' rahnd me telly Wednesdee evenin' when me phone rings. Picks it up n there's some poshy woman's voice on the uvver end ov the line. Says she's the Duchess of Cambridge and can she speak to a Mr Ron Tyler abaht a tilin' job she needs doin'."

"Nah! You're pullin' me leg."

"No, straight up Fred. Turned out she wanted a few tiles stuck up in a shower."

"But you can't go doin' any tilin' in a place like that Ron, or fer them sorta people, you've gotta know what you're doin' mate. Puttin' up a few tiles fer yerself in yer own kitchen is one fing, but those sort ov people are gonna expect it t' be dun prop'ly they are."

"Nuffing to it Fred. Okay, so I made a few little mistakes wiv me kitchen at first ov course, not sayin' I didn't, but after a few lines of tiles are up there's nuffing to it. I made a luvly job ov my kitchen I did. Fink they do that Raljex in a spray now, I'll give that a try I fink."

"You'd av fort William would do a little job like that 'imself wouldn't yer, just stickin' up a few tiles in a shower."

"Scared ov 'ard work them people are Fred."

"Wajja say back to 'er on the phone then?"

"Well, Kate asked me if I'd mind poppin' rahnd there soon as possible t' take a look at it, price up the job like. Said she'd already bought some nice red tiles but needed someone who understood tiling t' put 'em up. Told 'er I could pop along there the very next mornin' and dependin' on what needed doin' might possibly be able t' do the job there n then. Said to 'er that it would mean me avin t' let dahn anuver customer. Told 'er royalty obviously goes top o' the queue like. Well pleased she was when she 'eard that. Told 'er it would cost ov course."

"I s'pose not many tilers would be int'rested in doin' a little job like that Ron, just a few tiles in a shower."

"Well, people like me can't pick 'n' choose these days Fred. A small job's better than none at all y'see. Took along 'alf a pot of tile paste wiv me n some grout I 'ad left over from me kitchin. Yeah, so I got the tube dahn there yes'dee mornin' and was knockin' on Kate's front door baht ten o'clock."

"He in was 'e...William, or just Kate?"

"Just Kate, all on 'er todd there she was."
"What's she like close up? Fin?"
"Oh yeah. Find more meat on a sparra yer would."

"Papers say she's fin. Shame. So you just sorta knocked on the front door n she opened it then."

"Yeah, 'allo luv, I says, I'm Ron Tyler, expert tiler, I finks you're expectin' me."
"Big smile of relief on 'er face like. Do come in, she says very pleasant 'nd friendly like."

"Nice place is it? Show you rahnd did she?"

"Didn't show me rahnd Fred, no. Well I was only there t' put a few red tiles up in the shower after all mate so she was 'ardly gonna give me a guided tour of the place now was she for gawds sake!"

"No, s'pose not. Nice shower is it? Roomy like?"

"Nuffink spectacular Fred. Bog in the corner of the barfroom like. Nice free piece suite in the livin' room though. Very comfy armchairs they av there Fred."


"I priced up the job first like n says if she's agreeable to it then I'll get on wiv it soon as she's put the kettle on n made me a nice cuppa tea. Well you've gotta tell 'em Fred aincher."

"Shouldn't 'ave to Ron, first fing a person (burp) does is to offer a worker a cuppa tea. Live in a different world they do those people."

"Says to 'er, says, I can't do a proper tilin' job for you my dear unless there's a nice cuppa tea inside me first - two sugars. She got the message."

"Tea-bag was it?"

"I fink so, she brought it back in a nice fancy little pot though Fred on a silver tray. Poured 'em out in two little cups."

"Oh, Kate 'ad a cuppa tea as well."

"Yeah, invited me to 'ave a cuppla ginger nuts as well she did. I only ate one ov 'em n stuck the uvver one in me pocket, sort ov a keepsake like. Wanna see it? Got it in me shirt pocket 'ere. Take a look at that, Fred. All the way from Kensington Palace that ginger nut is."

"Bloody 'ell Ron. Looks just like a normal one dunnit. Can I 'old it?"
"Yeah 'course. Don't break it or go dunkin' it in yer beer though."

"No, 'course not...... feels just like a normal one as well dunnit Ron. Just shows yer....Amazin'. Bloomin' amazin' that is, Ron. Who'd believe it eh, old Fred sittin' in 'is local 'olding a real royal ginger nut in 'is 'ands....bloody amazin'.... Kate eat one did she?"

"Nibbled one. Don't fink she's a big eater Fred. Sat there 'avin a little chat wiv 'er. She was tellin' me abaht this n that like, 'ow William's workin' away a lot n so on."

"Oooo, not comin' on t' yer Ron was she? Must get very lonely there all day by 'erself a young lady like that. Same fing 'appened wiv Sue after we got married back in the fifties when I was away on the lorries."

"Nah, I fink it was just polite conversation like. Kept 'er urges under control wiv me she did. William's fand 'imself a goodun there."

"He's a very lucky man then Ron. Few n far between those sort are you take it from me. So 'ow d'yer get on wiv the tiling then?"

"Only one hours job Fred. Cuppla boxes of red tiles she'd bought. I 'ad 'em pasted n up on the shower wall in next t' no time I did. Still charged though. Told 'er 'ow it's three 'undred quid call out charge for starters, royalty or not."

"Gotta make it worf yer while Ron."

"Too right mate. Few little dabs of tile paste on each one like, so I 'ad enuff left over from me kitchin t' finish the job. Not quite enuff grout though so I used a bit ov toothpaste she 'ad there by the sink. Goes nice n 'ard when it dries it does."

"Pleased wiv 'em was she?"

"Bit ov ummin n arrin at first Fred. She was goin' on baht 'ow a few of the tiles looked to 'er t be a bit loose n wonky."

"Fussy cah. See, when it comes t' partin' wiv the dosh Ron, that's when they don't like it."

"She paid up alright after I'd explained the problem wiv the wall."


"Yeah, I explained to 'er 'ow it can't be odds when yer tilin' old walls like those at Kensington Palace. Well I 'ad the same problem wiv me kitchin Fred. Cant go blamin' the tiler fer that, it's the old walls so it is."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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