Written by Matt Morchower

Monday, 25 June 2012

image for Arsenio: I'm Back and Here's My First Monologue Give it up for Arsenio Hall, who is getting busy again...in the house.

The Hollywood Reporter (June 19, 2012) -- Arsenio Hall announced he will be returning to television with a new late-night talk show in 2013, after a 20 year absence. He has already shot and written his first monologue, which he has exclusively provided.


Bill Clinton: Antonio, congratulations on getting a new show. But are you sure you want me here again? Aren't you trying to be hip?

Clinton tunes up saxophone, but way out of tune…

Arsenio: I'mma do the same show. Cool is cool is cool. You tootin' that horn on this show made both of our careers.

Clinton: Actually, it made mine. You were cancelled one year later.

Arsenio: Nobody remembers that. They just remember the Dawg Pound. Woof! Woof! Woof! Paula Abdul. My fade haircut. My boxy suits. Madonna. Lightweight Interviews. Gettin' busy. That is all still hot.

Clinton: You can't just pick up where you left off, Antonio. A lot's changed, even with me. Since I was here, I've served two terms as President of the United States. I've been impeached and resurrected. I've had two heart attacks and an angioplasty. I've married off my daughter, opened my Presidential library, watched my wife become Secretary of State, moved to New York, and seen all of my hair turn gray. I'm a vegan, I see movies for two dollars and I'm on Social Security. You can't do the same show.

Arsenio: Hmmmm.

Clinton: What have you been up to?

Arsenio: Watched some Lakers games. Played Nintendo with Eddie. Shaved my moustache.

Clinton: Hmmmm.

Arsenio: I can't believe since I got cancelled, we got a black President before we got another black talk show host.

Clinton: Well you know, Antonio, people called me the first black President. So we've really had two.

Clinton blows horrible, out-of-tune note into sax.



Hall runs out to a limp crowd of potbellied former frat guys and their wives with fading tattoos. Band plays same theme while Arsenio's on the same set. Crowd also consists of about 60 elderly tourists apparently bussed in for free from a theme park.

ARSENIO: 20 years. Damn! I win the Celebrity Apprentice, and next thing I know Trump gets me my old job back. 20 years. Still workin' for the white man.

ARSENIO: And let's give it up for my posse! You know them, led by my brother from another mother, Michael Wolff! Michael! You still Jewish?

BANDLEADER: If you're still black.

ARSENIO: Michael, remember when I had Farrakhan on last time and we got fired? I may not do that this time.

BANDLEADER: That would be good. Especially since I just had my first kid when that happened.

Drummer punctuates with a "bu-dum-bum."

Audience hears bandleader say, off camera, "I wasn't kidding."

ARSENIO: The "Dawg Pound" is still in the house! Give it up for the Dawg Pound!

Camera pans to people sitting in seats next to the stage, who look confused about what to do with this bit.

ARSENIO: These are "People Who Have Been Sitting There for 20 years, Waiting For My Next Show! Woof! Woof! Woof!

People in dawg pound look puzzled at his barking.

ARSENIO: Let's give it up for President Clinton for helping me out before the show! Man's a tough act to follow. Gore gets cancelled after being with Clinton. And I got cancelled after being with Clinton.

BANDLEADER: Gore did win the Nobel Peace Prize.

So we've both been doing our thing, because the Coming to America DVD came out, too, man. And they even let me be on one of the director's cut tracks. Same thing.


ARSENIO: So I was driving in from Cleveland tonight for the show, like I always do, and had one of those "things that make you go, hmmmmmm."

No audience reaction to this old bit.

ARSENIO: I'm thinking, "Man, they announce my comeback the same day Rodney Kind dies? Brother stole my headline! Mother-[BLEEP]-er had 20 years to drown and picks that day? I guess we can't all get along! Did I have on Paula Abdul the night of his riots? Or Earvin Johnson? Or Eddie? No. It was his day.

ARSENIO: I got Farrah-ed. You know, Farrah Fawcett died like three hours before Michael Jackson. Then he blew her off the front page. Most people don't even know she's dead.

ARSENIO: But here we are. I was sitting with my bookers last week and they're saying, let's start it out with a bang. BANG! Let's book Bieber (crowd applauds), Clooney (more applause), Prince William (even more applause) and Obama (wild applause).

ARSENIO: But I didn't get to be Arsenio Hall by being an ordinary cat. You can see Bieber, Clooney, the Prince and the President anywhere. Hell, even on freaking Leno, that overweight white-haired gasbag. So, instead we put together a bigger show. You loved him in Trading Places: my best friend Eddie Murphy is in the house! Her video for "Forever Your Girl" won four MTV Video Music Awards: my best girl Paula Abdul is in the house! This man won five NBA titles: my little brother Shaquille O'Neal is in the house! Give it up!


And finally, we've got my crazy cousins here: two-thirds of the Beastie Boys are in the house! One of them regrets he couldn't be with us, because he just died. You knew him as MCA, Adam Yauch. This is their first appearance without him, and instead of performing, they wanted to talk about Adam's commitment to the Tibetan people. And I thought, man, that's deep stuff. Deep.

Later this week: I've got to blow the surprise…my other brother from another mother, Donald Trump is here. Still looking for Obama's birth certificate. If you have any ideas on where it may be, fax them to us here at the show. Debbie, can you flash our old fax number on the screen? We kept it! Send your faxes to 1-310-ARSENIO.

But now, LET'S GET BUSY with the man who made not one, not two, but THREE Beverly Hills Cop movies...give it up for my best friend...

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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