Written by Clive Danton

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image for Situations Vacant: Doctor's Receptionist Wanted A Terminally Ill Patient Begging Doctor's Receptionist To Give Him An Appointment Next Tuesday

Doctor's Receptionist Required

A busy but friendly Inner London practice are pleased to announce they have a vacancy for an experienced receptionist to carry out light, threatening duties and to fob off members of the public exhibiting potentially life threatening symptoms by using snarled, dismissive statements such as "Doctor's far too busy today" and "We may be able to fit you in next Friday"

The hatchet faced, taciturn old tugboat we seek should be able to curdle milk at a glance and reduce small children to tears with a single malevolent glare if they so much as fidget momentarily on their chair or ask mummy to take them to the toilet.

A background in the prison service is preferable although not essential and a cowering, pussywhipped, bespectacled worm of a husband at home would also count in the successful applicant's favour.

A uniform consisting of a hideous floral patterned dress, stout Girl Guide walking shoes and flesh coloured opaque support stockings will be provided.

If you think you match any of the above criteria please march brusquely into the surgery with a face like thunder, push yourself to the front of the queue and demand to see the practice manager in a loud overbearing voice.

The annual salary of 29k will be paid per calendar month and is exclusive of any bribes or protection money you can extort from the sick or elderly.

Members of The Humane Society or anyone with the slightest hint of empathy towards people battling against illness need not apply.

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